Taking care of yourself is vital. After all if YOU do not, WHO will.
It is also about self-respect. You deserve just as much time, energy and dedication as the job does.
It is important to know what kind of daily life you wish to have? Busy, under pressure, time to think, time for yourself, to name a few.

Being realistic is also vital. If you have deadlines to meet it is best not to expect to have hours and hours during the day. Instead, maybe few minutes here and there is realistic. A few minutes here and there is a good place to start.
In neuroscience they say that often the hardest step is raising your awareness. Get to know (raise your awareness) to what is not working for you. Next make sure you have the motivation to change. Knowing the reason for making a change is important and motivating. Next design the steps necessary to practice and repeat. Getting it wrong at times is part of the process. Just start again.

Ask yourself:

• What exactly works for you? Sports, walking, stretching, time out to do nothing, time for yourself, time to read, do daily maintenance routines less rushed?
•  What energizes you?
  

It is unrealistic to expect that every day is the same and brings the same issues. The goal is to have the  kind of life YOU want. It is important to know what is best for YOU, not what people tell you or how you think things should be.
 
People have different needs. A monk living on a mountain top has different daily requirement to a person living in the West. A single person has different needs to one who has family.

People prefer easy and quick solutions. That might be possible, but also maybe not. Be realistic.

•  At the end of the day what exactly what is draining you?

 It might be that work was exhausting, or maybe  your expectations? Take some time to consider this.
 
 
It takes time so be patient in other words be kind to yourself while going through this change of behaviour.
It is okay to make mistakes and not always get it right. Old behaviour patterns are ingrained – they took a long time to establish so give yourself permission for it to take time to undo / change them.

Personally I consider the consequences I wish to have.
For me this means how I want to feel while doing something or nothing.

by Suzie Doscher, Executive Coach focusing on Personal Development, Self-help Author since 2014

Photo credit: Unsplash

Not interested in reading? Listen to the audio version narrated by Suzie Doscher

In the Oxford Dictionary, the definition of a “control freak” is “a person who feels an obsessive need to exercise control over themselves and others and to take command of any situation”. The Merriam Webster dictionary says that a control freak is “a person whose behaviour indicates a powerful need to control people or circumstances in everyday matters”.

This personality trait could stem from a chaotic childhood, alcoholic parents, abusive behaviour, or early abandonment. Such experiences can make it hard for people to trust, or relinquish control to, others. The fear of falling apart pushes them to control what they can. As their emotions are all over the place, they feel loss of control. For this reason control freaks will micromanage whatever they can with the belief that this makes them strong. People who feel out of control tend to become controllers.

I imagine each and every one of us is a control freak, or takes on the behaviour of such, at some point or another. The fear of failure is what makes it so important to control everything when you do not trust anybody else to do a good job.

One difficult aspect of being around a control freak is accepting that they do not understand how their behaviour and choice of words affect the people around them. Another difficult aspect is not to take it personally. This behaviour comes from deep inside and the person is actually quite unaware of being a control freak.

The attempts to control a situation or environment are intended to offer the controller a feeling of safety. This might be a sign of low self-esteem.

One of the areas they often manipulate is conversation. A control freak is most comfortable if they decide what is talked about, for how long, and how deep or detailed a topic can be. This manipulation is achieved by constant interruption, finishing the sentence for the person, not listening with attention, doing distracting things like getting up and walking around, or even walking out of the room saying, “I am still listening”. A control freak does not consider themselves as controlling, but is convincedtheir way is the right way. They tend to  have an opinion about almost everything and will disagree with most suggestions not instigated by them.
 
Controllers also control themselves; you might observe obsessive habits in them – whether in a private relationship or at work. h

Helpful tips to consider:

• If someone dominates conversations, allow them to finish. Then, in a calm manner tell them, “I understand what you are saying and now I would like to express my thoughts”.
• If someone continually gives you their advice by telling you exactly what you should be doing, again, in a calm manner, tell them, “I value your advice, but I wish to consider my own thoughts on this matter as well”.
• Your goal for establishing a healthier communication pattern with a control freak is to eventually “agree to disagree”. Be as consistent as possible with the style in which you communicate. It will require patience and time, but can result in turning the negative communication pattern into one that is more acceptable to you.
• Express yourself assertively without giving the person the feeling you are telling them what to do. Never try to control a controller.
• Remain calm and be consistent with controllers. Getting angry does not achieve anything. Control freaks have no problem with arguments. In fact, they seek power struggles. Remember, in their minds the world should feel, think and do what they deem is right.
• Remember a control freak always looks for a power struggle. You can buy yourself some time by taking a couple of deep breaths after excusing yourself for a minute. If you can leave the situation for longer, take a walk around the block to clear your head. Accept that you are dealing with a control freak.
• Remember that you can walk out of the room into a better space; they, however, are left with their issues possibly for the rest of their life, unless they seek support.
• A control freak has the ability to bring you down a couple of notches and take the wind out of your sails. They like to make people feel insecure about themselves. You may want to distance yourself. Start to distance yourself slowly.
• The benefits of establishing a manner of communication where you do not allow them to rob you of your energy or drown you with their negativity will be a stronger, more assertive, empowering you.

 
In summary, here are 8 helpful steps for what to do in the moment:
 
1.   Acknowledge that you are in conversation with a control freak.
2.   If necessary, buy yourself some time to clarify your thoughts. Do some deep breathing to clear your head and calm your emotions.
3.   Accept that you are not going to be able to change how the person behaves or who he or she is. Maintain the focus on your reactions and communication style.
4.   Forgive the person for his or her behaviour by understanding what makes him or her behave this way.
5.   In conversations, listen without interrupting. Be calm and patient.
6.   Express your own opinion/thoughts. Be assertive, but not aggressive.
7.   Once the conversation is over, do something that will nourish you. This might be as simple as taking in a couple of deep breaths and exhaling the negative energy the control freak brings along.
8.   Accept that you handled the situation as best as can be expected and that it will take time and practice.
 
Being in the company of control freaks can feel like being with “Energy Vampires”. Their ability to endlessly bring the attention back on to themselves is draining and exhausting. Knowing what to expect can help you choose how to interact and take care of yourself at the same time.

by Suzie Doscher, Executive Coach focusing on Personal Developement.
Photo credit: Unsplash

A mini review of habit formation, New Year's resolutions, and getting to action.

It is now the 5th of January which means that most people’s New Year’s resolutions may already be history.
This time of year always provides an opportunity to review research into resolutions and sometimes researchers get their articles published to coincide with the this. And so it was for a review on habit formation published in December. And this is a very useful insight into how long it actually takes to form a habit in health behaviours - these include things like eating healthily, going to the gym, avoiding sugar, or flossing your teeth.

The old rule that habit requires 21 days of consistent practice comes form Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz published in 1960 originally - no this was not evidence based. So is this true?

Well, Ben Singh and colleagues in Australia conducted a systematic review and meta analysis of habit formation in health behaviour and found that no it wasn’t 21 days.

It must be noted that habit formation i.e. automaticity of behaviour took longer and was very variable across studies and participants. The shortest time frame was two months and for some this extended to twelve months. This therefore gives us a scientifically accurate figure albeit with a wide range: 2-12 months. This may be disappointing but gives us all a realistic figure to target. If you want to master a new habit, aim to do it regularly for at least 2 months - better still if you aim for 3-6 months.

The review did also look at what were the determinants for success:

• Simpler goals are more likely to become habits
• Planning and preparation help
• Daily routines
• Those done in the morning are more likely to stick
• Enjoyment of habit
• Stability of environment

Last year I reviewed research into families’ resolutions and found some similar factors that impacted success. These were:

• Set realistic goals
• Make and plan small steps
• Celebrate success
• Adjust goals as you go along

What you will notice in the above is that none of the success factors looks at willpower - in fact the review into families notes that relying on willpower alone is a recipe for disaster. Though we may admire this form of willpower, and some people boast of their ability to resist temptation (often annoyingly), research shows this is much less effective.

The reason is that this requires brain power and brain power is limited, and also fatigues over time. This is why the research showed that habits planned for the morning were more likely to be successful. Brain power is higher combined with the fact that less stuff could get in the way of it. The better way is what researchers call diachronic regulation i.e change the environment to avoid temptation.
This is an example of what Odysseus did in Homer’s Epic: to get his sailors to strap him to the mast so that he couldn’t be overcome, or better respond, to the Sirens’ song. However many people do not consider this willpower - it is in fact willpower in advance. So if you want to stop eating cookies (my particular weakness), make sure there are no cookies in the house.
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Another factor that few people plan, and is mentioned in the above lists, is that reward and motivation are tightly interlinked - though the brain can be motivated and not get to action (I also reviewed this during the year), reward is still a prime motivator and builds positive memories. So making sure that you reward yourself on achieving a goal towards your new habit and/or making it rewarding in itself will greatly influence success.


by Andy Habermacher, of Leading Brains
Photocredit: Unsplash

Find balance –
would love to, but who has the time!

In my own life one of the important realizations was that balance is possible and it was mine if I wanted it. What followed was a fair amount of self-reflection, openness, and honesty with myself. Setting aside time to explore my definition of balance, by questioning what was missing and what I was already doing successfully, was time well spent. Since then, I have a good grasp on the various elements of day-to-day life. For me personally knowing my heart and mind are working together is what keeps me balanced. The sense of calm, of being grounded and clearheaded, motivates me to keep my life in balance.

Choosing to create balance will reflect in these six areas of your life:

• Physical
• Mental
• Emotional
• Social
• Financial
• Spiritual

Each one is important and will require consideration, attention, maintenance, or upgrading throughout your life. Not necessarily at the same time, or in equal amounts; nevertheless, all deserve attention. It would be impossible and unrealistic to believe that each can have a “full service” all of the time. So, choose the area that is being neglected the most at that time and focus on sorting it out. If you choose to socialize more but are not getting enough sleep, you might have chosen the wrong area to nurture. Choose your priorities carefully. All elements are interrelated; balance will be present when all six are respected.

Most of us spend a large part of the day working. Making sure the remaining hours offer some form of nurturing and reenergizing is vital. There is a difference for single people versus married, with or without children, whether you travel, live internationally and interculturally. Choose the area most in need of attention and nurturing.

The groundwork of living in balance is knowing yourself. For this it helps to be connected to your core values. Think of them as the “bricks in your foundation.” Reconnecting with your values and aligning your life with them is vital to finding balance.

Your values are what make you tick. They show you how to prioritize, what is important to you, what allows you to feel fulfilled. Examining my own core values, I realized how vital “open communication” and “nature” are to me. When both are present in my life, I feel a sense of balance.
A small selection of examples of core values is: freedom, honesty, trust, ethics/integrity, financial security, passion, growth, acknowledgment, recognition, communication, challenge, empathy. The list is long.
Core values are individual and may be described with whatever words work best for you. These are examples only.

Six motivators to encourage you to achieve a more balanced life:

• Emotional Strength: Being emotionally strong on the bad days helps you know what it will take to turn your day around. Feeling this offers you a sense of grounding and balance. You automatically know what actions need to be taken to improve the situation.
• Decreased Stress: Less stress offers time for more pleasure.
• Physical Energy: Physical energy will return once you are prioritizing better, doing less, and nurturing your needs more successfully.
• Sleep: With a more balanced lifestyle, sound sleep is easier to find. Your mind will not keep you awake as often.
• Compassion: Compassion and empathy will come more easily. With a more balanced life you are present and have more time to “feel” and “be” rather than only “think” and “do.”
• Balance: A balanced person is a better person. People will be drawn to you because being in your company makes them feel good. A person who feels good about themselves and their life creates a lovely energy to be around.

 
The benefits of creating balance reach beyond you and your life; the people around you are positively impacted as well. How does it sound to feel happier, wake up with energy, and plan your day realistically to achieve what you set out to do? There might be obstacles along the way, but when you are balanced your coping mechanisms kick in, you deal with the issue and get on with the day. This work might feel repetitive, this is because it is! Changing and reprogramming long-term behavior patterns require repetition and practice in order for them to be sustainable.
The decision is yours to take – You are the CEO of your life.

Creating Balance Long-Term

• Habits: Any ones you want to change?
• Discipline: What exactly can you motivate yourself to do regularly?
• Consequences: I tend to decide which consequences I want to have.
• Repeat: Remember it takes time to instill a new discipline, make a change. Be kind to yourself while going through this time. Be REALISTIC with your expectations.
• Choose: The choice is always there and up to you. I love the quote: "You cannot change people, only how YOU react."

by Suzie Doscher, Executive Coach focusing on Personal Development, Self-help Author since 2014.
An excerpt from: Balance - a Practical Handbook for Life's Difficult Moments by Suzie Doscher
Photo credit: Unsplash

A review shows just how good swearing is on improving physical performance and what influences this

I have to ask what type of swearing and performance in what?
Good questions, and yes, I couldn’t but help to report on this mini review. Swearing is in the form of words that are considered swear words, we often have our favourites, but they are limited to a few words in general (the authors noted that for studies 2 words are most commonly self selected, one beginning with “f” and the other with “s”). This review by Nicholas Washmuth et al. reviewed studies into sports performance. I have reported on the effects of swearing previously by Richard Stephens who is also an author in this study

So not business performance?
No, but that could be interesting to study - and there may be some parallels. But what is more interesting is the effectiveness of swearing.

Tell me more, how good is it?
Well, surprisingly effective and the benefits are multiple but the research is limited to short-intensive exercise. Swearing increases performance in strength and short intensive exercise (such as cycling 30 seconds all out on a stationary bike) by between 10% and 20%. This is not in trained sports people it should be noted - those differences would be huge for a trained sports person (as an active track athlete I’d be delighted with a few percentage points).

And how does this work?
Well, this is what Washmuth et al. explored. Swearing while doing intensive sport (compared to using neutral words it should be noted).

Here’s what swearing does which leads to these sporty benefits:
Physiologically

• Increases heart rate
• Increases systolic blood pressure
• Increases electrodermal activity

Psychologically

• Increases dissociation
• Increases disinhibition
• Increases flow state
• Increases confidence

Nociception

• Increases pain tolerance
• Increases pain threshold
• Lowers pain perception

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That’s an impressive list! No wonder it helps performance
Indeed but those are not the only benefits other benefits in other situations or as an add on:

• Heightened humour
• Enhanced credibility
• Stronger social bonds
• Improved memory
• Increased risk tolerance (which could also be negative)

So, we should swear more often?!
Actually, no! The reason is that those who swear more often do also reap the same benefits but to a lesser degree. Also there appears to be a habituation effect - that means if you do it constantly you become habituated and this will moderate, or in worst case, eliminate the effects.

So swear selectively!
Yes, but caution is still advised in public or with your work colleagues.

And how about in business?
Good question, if we transferred this to the workplace it suggests it could be most beneficial for short intensive bouts of work: likely to miss a short deadline - get swearing!
Share
 By Andy Habermacher. Leading Brains


Washmuth Nicholas B. , Stephens Richard , Ballmann Christopher G.
Effect of swearing on physical performance: a mini-review
Frontiers in Psychology, 15-2024
https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1445175
DOI: 10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1445175
ISSN:1664-1078

Photocredit: Shutterstock

Even if you have done it a hundred times, the thought of walking into a room full of strangers can be daunting. It is perfectly natural to feel nervous when facing a new situation – most people do. Regardless of whether you are introverted or extroverted, everybody can remember a time of feeling uneasy at some point in their life when faced with walking into a room full of strangers.
 
It helps to remind yourself that inevitably there will be another person, if not many, who are feeling the same as you are. Have a slow stroll around the room and find someone standing alone, go up to that person and introduce yourself.

There is a very good chance that your courage for walking up to them will be rewarded with a sigh of relief and a smile.

The classic networking tools come in handy:

• Focus on the other person and what they have to say.
• Show interest and encourage them to talk about themselves. Everybody loves to talk about themselves... their holiday, their children, etc.

Use the rapport building tools:

• Match their body language
• Speak in the same tone of voice. This will put them at ease.
  
  

Helpful suggestions for the moments just before you walk into the room. These are also good to practice while you are getting ready.

• Acknowledge to yourself that are feeling nervous and lacking confidence in this moment.
  
• Imagine what it feels like to have confidence. Picture yourself as a confident person. (Stand tall, shoulders back). It can help to think of someone you know who has confidence and picture what it would be like to be that person. Or pretend you have a pair of “confidence shoes” on that give you support and make you strong when you wear them.
  
•  Take a couple of deep breaths and with each inhalation feel that confidence.
• Acknowledge that you now have the choice to step into those “confidence shoes”. It helps if you visualize yourself putting on an actual pair of shoes. These are your “confidence shoes”!
• Step into those shoes, take a deep breath, and walk into that room. Your aim is to go and help the other person standing there all alone who is not wearing their confidence shoes!
• Be pleased with yourself for taking the time and go for it!

 

Key thoughts on how to face difficult decisions

When faced with a difficult decision it is important to know that you always have choices. It is hard to realize there is more than one solution to any given problem. One important life skill to learn is how to find those choices when faced with a difficult decision. With this skill, life becomes easier to keep in balance. More balance means less stress.
 
Think of a situation you are facing and see if any of the comments below can be applied:
 
1.   Think in terms of either do or do not. A choice available already!
2.   The same goes for expressing yourself: “I choose to say something or I choose to say nothing”. Also, for your emotional reactions: “I choose to take offence in this situation or I choose not to react as though this were personal”. “I choose to say ‘no’ when setting a boundary.”
3.   You always have the option to leave things as they are and do nothing.
4.   Doing “nothing” means you have made the choice “not to take action”. Non-action is still a choice.
5.   If you choose to act, then accept it is you who has taken the choice to “do something”.
6.   Either way there is always at least one choice.
7.   Think of a few scenarios to help you appreciate this is true (to have a cup of tea or not, to say something or not, to buy something or not, to leave a situation or not, to leave the relationship/location/job or not).
8.   When you are feeling like you have reached a dead end, ask yourself “what happens if I do nothing?” or,
9.   “What happens if I do something?”, then proceed to work out what the choice is.
10.   Either way always take responsibility for whatever choice you make.
11.   You might not always like the consequences of your choice, so think carefully before you take action. Try to be true to yourself and honour your values. Do what is right for you, not what you think you should do to please others. Follow your intuition whenever possible. It is there to guide us in the right direction, however frequently we ignore its advice.
12.   Accept that having a choice is true for absolutely everything. When it comes to things/people/situations we cannot change we still have a choice as to how we react!
 
Personal growth and development go on throughout your life. The life skills you acquire along the way improve the quality of your day-to-day life. With each new life skill you will handle situations that you previously might have struggled with more quickly and with greater ease and confidence. The more practice you have using your life skills, the more part of you they become. With time you might begin to forget that they were acquired skills!





How to accept someone’s choice even though you do not understand it

Someone makes a choice you simply do not understand. The consequences may or may not touch your life, involve you, affect you and so on. One way or another you cannot see what they are basing their decision on. This is the part that makes accepting their choice so difficult. I am going to break this down into two parts.
 
Part One: Understanding
Take the view that:
 
•     Everybody has the right to see life through his or her own eyes, the right to their own reality.
•     Their reality will be based on experiences they have had so far in their life.
•     These experiences will have formed their beliefs, values, goals, point of view, etc.
•     Accepting and thereby respecting their choice means you are not judging them.
•     Ask yourself: “What gives you the right to judge someone?” or “What gives you the right to believe you know what is right for him or her?” If you think about this, it is quite presumptuous.
•     Hopefully at this point you can interrupt your desire to explain their choice to yourself.
 
Part Two: Acceptance
 
•     To truly accept means not to have any conditions attached to this acceptance. As mentioned before, each person has a right to their own reality to see life through his or her own eyes.
•     These lyrics come to mind: “If You Love Someone, Set Them Free”. Accept them and let them go.
•     Letting go of any conditions attached to your acceptance is how you set them free. A few examples of “conditions” are: what you believe is right, what you think about how life should be – basically any “condition” that involves a judgement by you.
•     To further help with your acceptance ask yourself: “What will I lose if they do something I do not understand?”
•     Finding the open-heartedness to look beyond yourself – this is setting someone free. Let them be who they are, follow their own path, be true to their own values. You will be surprised how good you will feel.
 
Love them for who, how, and what they are. By doing this you are respecting their choices. Helping yourself reach the place of being able to respect their choices is also setting yourself free and gaining/holding on to your Personal Power.





Helpful suggestions when communicating with “control freaks” also known as Micro-Managers

In the Oxford Dictionary, the definition of a “control freak” is “a person who feels an obsessive need to exercise control over themselves and others and to take command of any situation”. The Merriam Webster dictionary says that a control freak is “a person whose behaviour indicates a powerful need to control people or circumstances in everyday matters”.

This personality trait could stem from a chaotic childhood, alcoholic parents, abusive behaviour, or early abandonment. Such experiences can make it hard for people to trust, or relinquish control to, others. The fear of falling apart pushes them to control what they can. As their emotions are all over the place, they feel loss of control. For this reason control freaks will micromanage whatever they can with the belief that this makes them strong. People who feel out of control tend to become controllers.
I imagine each and every one of us is a control freak, or takes on the behaviour of such, at some point or another. The fear of failure is what makes it so important to control everything when you do not trust anybody else to do a good job.

One difficult aspect of being around a control freak is accepting that they do not understand how their behaviour and choice of words affect the people around them. Another difficult aspect is not to take it personally. This behaviour comes from deep inside and the person is actually quite unaware of being a control freak.

The attempts to control a situation or environment are intended to offer the controller a feeling of safety. This is a sign of low self-esteem.

One of the areas they often manipulate is conversation. A control freak is most comfortable if he or she decides what is talked about, for how long, and how deep or detailed a topic can be. This manipulation is achieved by constant interruption, finishing the sentence for the person, not listening with attention, doing distracting things like getting up and walking around, or even walking out of the room saying, “I am still listening”. A control freak does not consider him or herself as controlling, but is convinced his or her way is the right way. He or she will have an opinion about almost everything and will disagree with most suggestions that he or she does not instigate.
 
Controllers also control themselves; you might observe obsessive habits in them –whether in a private relationship or at work helpful tips to consider:
 
•     If someone dominates conversations, allow them to finish. Then, in a calm manner tell them, “I understand what you are saying and now I would like to express my thoughts”.
•     If someone continually gives you their advice by telling you exactly what you should be doing, again, in a calm manner, tell them, “I value your advice, but I wish to consider my own thoughts on this matter as well”.
•     Your goal for establishing a healthier communication pattern with a control freak is to eventually “agree to disagree”. Be as consistent as possible with the style in which you communicate. It will require patience and time, but can result in turning the negative communication pattern into one that is more acceptable to you.
•     Express yourself assertively without giving the person the feeling you are telling them what to do. Never try to control a controller.
•     Remain calm and be consistent with controllers. Getting angry does not achieve anything. Control freaks have no problem with arguments. In fact, they seek power struggles. Remember, in their minds the world should feel, think and do what they deem is right.
•     Remember a control freak always looks for a power struggle. You can buy yourself some time by taking a couple of deep breaths after excusing yourself for a minute. If you can leave the situation for longer, take a walk around the block to clear your head. Accept that you are dealing with a control freak.
•     Remember that you can walk out of the room into a better space; they, however, are left with their issues possibly for the rest of their life, unless they seek support.
•     A control freak has the ability to bring you down a couple of notches and take the wind out of your sails. They like to make people feel insecure about themselves. You may want to distance yourself. Start to distance yourself slowly.
•     The benefits of establishing a manner of communication where you do not allow them to rob you of your energy or drown you with their negativity will be a stronger, more assertive, empowering you.
 
In summary, here are 8 helpful steps for what to do in the moment:
 
1.   Acknowledge to yourself that you are in conversation with a control freak.
2.   If necessary, buy yourself some time to clarify your thoughts. Do some deep breathing to clear your head and calm your emotions.
3.   Accept that you are not going to be able to change how the person behaves or who he or she is. Maintain the focus on your reactions and communication style.
4.   Forgive the person for his or her behaviour by understanding what makes him or her behave this way.
5.   In conversations, listen without interrupting. Be calm and patient.
6.   Express your own opinion/thoughts. Be assertive, but not aggressive.
7.   Once the conversation is over, do something that will nourish you. This might be as simple as taking in a couple of deep breaths and exhaling the negative energy the control freak brings along.
8.   Accept that you handled the situation as best as can be expected and that it will take time and practice.
 
Being in the company of control freaks can feel like being with “Energy Vampires”. Their ability to endlessly bring the attention back on to themselves is draining and exhausting. Knowing what to expect can help you choose how to interact and take care of yourself at the same time.

by Suzie Doscher, Executive Coach focusing on Personal Development, Zurich, Switzerland

When it feels like you are pushing a large rock uphill or you keep walking into the same wall it is difficult to realize that there is more than one solution to any given problem and you have choices.

Feeling there is no choice can make you feel helpless and blocked, as if you were at a dead end with absolutely no way out. Knowing there are choices gives you a sense that you have some influence over the outcome of a situation in which you are involved. Personal growth and development are ongoing throughout your life. The practical life skills you acquire along the way improve the quality of your day-to-day life. One important life skill to learn is how to find those choices when faced with a difficult decision.

Finding the alternative choices available to you means unleashing your creativity in some instances. Allow yourself to let your imagination run wild if appropriate and above all do not forget to listen to that “inner voice”, your “gut feeling”, your intuition if it is trying to speak to you about a choice you might have. When life puts you into a situation where there is nothing you can do, this is the time to understand your choice in that moment is acceptance. This is indeed a choice, albeit a difficult one.

by Suzie Doscher, Executive Coach focusing on Personal Development, Zurich, Switzerland
Photo credit: Pexels

Research into mice shows social fearful memories being recorded in their brains

Our brains must be sensitive to social threat - this is a major threat I would have thought?
Indeed and this is precisely what Pegah Kassraian et al. of Columbia University investigated to give us some clear answers of how social threatening and socially safe memories are saved.

How on earth can you do this with mice?
Good question - remember mice are also social creatures and their brains are good models for us human beings but being far less complex, of course.
We already know that the hippocampus is a key memory area that this also stores various memories - notably physical locations (many memories are also distributed across the brain).
In this experiment they had mice scamper off and they met a stranger mouse in one location and in this location they were given a mild electric shock to trigger threat and negativity with this individual. In the opposite direction they also came across a strenger mouse but were not shocked. This was the “safe place”.
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And what happened?
Well, as to be expected they quickly learned where the safe place was but the interesting bit is that they focused on two regions of the hippocampus known as CA1 and CA2.
A common method in research nowadays is to silence various regions chemically or with methods such as laser activation/deactivation. In this experiment they could then silence these particular brain regions separately and then see what happens to behaviour after this silencing.
In the normal situation the mice would avoid the location and stranger where they got zapped and go towards the safe location.
Silencing these regions CA1 and CA2 had different effects.

How different?
Well when they silenced CA1 the mice could no longer remember where they had been shocked but still avoided the mouse that had been in that location. So they remembered a social threat but not the location. Or in other words CA1 is a region that seems dedicated (also supporting previous research) that stores locations and places.
The opposite happened when CA2 was silenced - the mice remembered the location but became indiscriminately afraid of both mice.

So regions in the hippocampus record different types of memory - and we need both to operate together.
Yes, social threat is recorded in CA2 and location threat in CA1. Using both gives more nuanced and complete picture. And fascinating to know that single small brain regions in our hippocampus records social threat!

Nice to know where social threat sits in our brain
Indeed. We do need to see that this translates into human beings also.

By Andy Habermacher of Leading Brains
Photocredit:
Share

Pegah Kassraian, Shivani K. Bigler, Diana M. Gilly Suarez, et al.
The hippocampal CA2 region discriminates social threat from social safety.
Nature Neuroscience, 2024
DOI: 10.1038/s41593-024-01771-8

Everybody has a past.
Living in the past, however, robs you of the present, the present moment, the ‘now’.

In my coaching practice, exploring some of the ‘baggage’ filled with issues relating to your past is
necessary to find out what exactly you are still hanging on to. Pain that remains should be healed
and beliefs that sabotage you with constricting behaviour patterns replaced by healthier patterns.
Enjoy your happy, loving and exciting memories. Allow them to energise you, offer you creativity
and inspiration, but do not hang on to anything no longer of value. Explore it, examine it, heal it
and move on.

Letting go of the past and living in the present while looking towards the future is rejuvenating.

Exercise. (Have pen and paper and time to write your thoughts down)

Start by exploring where you stand in relation to your past and how it might be affecting your
present day life.
Are you holding on to old thinking patterns that are no longer relevant, or serve you now?

These will have created behaviour patterns, which are limiting and disempowering for how you
wish to live your life.

We are going to cover the following areas:
• Acknowledging the good and bad from the past
• Exploring what you are thankful for
• Considering what had to happen for you to be where you are now
• What and/or whom (including yourself) to stop judging
• Any unfinished business and/or open ends
 

Exploration and Fact gathering:
1. What was good about your past?
What are you thankful for?
2. What still has a negative and/or disempowering hold on you?
Such as thoughts, feelings, people and so on.
3. What old habits still control some of your behaviour?
4. List successes in the past.
 
What had to happen for you to have that success?
6. Whom (including yourself) are you still judging and/or blaming relating to the past?
7. Whom can you thank, and what for?
8. What do you have to accept? This could be accepting someone’s limitations and therefore
reducing your expectations or making them more realistic. I like the quote: “You cannot
change people but you can change how you react to them.”
 
9. Who do you need to talk to, ask something of or gain a better understanding of?
10. Are there any open ends or unresolved issues? (Such as physical, financial, environmental.)
What jumped out at you from this exploration?

What not to forget i.e.:
Today I am ....................................................................thanks to
..........................................................
or
……............... (write whatever works best for you)

Think of this as the first step in the process. One step up the ladder gets you closer.

by Suzie Doscher, Executive Coach, Personal Development
Photo credit: Suzie Doscher

an excerpt from BALANCE - an Interactive Workbook by Suzie Doscher

I was standing by the lake early this morning watching the waves crash up against some rocks and the ripple effect that followed. It was beautiful. Full of energy and at the same time made I realized that this can be translated into how one negative thought tends to release a series of more negative ones. This seems to happen to ‘feed’ or confirm the first one. I have found that negative thoughts hate being alone ... they look for company. 

In my own personal experience as well working professionally in the arena of development, I witness how this unfolds. It can be compared to one drop of water and the consequent ripple effect.

I am not a therapist or neuroscientist so cannot speak scientifically. Having said that I have enough evidence after 18 years of working in this area to be able to say the patterns are there. 

It strikes me that our minds do not like to give up the negative thoughts. Our brain looks for further thoughts to confirm this 'truth'. The thought might be far from true now in your actual present-day reality, yet we treat it as absolute truth in our thinking. From what I witness these beliefs come from emotions, more often than not emotions from the past. Our behaviour follows our thinking, so our behaviour will act upon what we think and therefore believe.
 
Limiting Beliefs

For example: If you believe you are not very good at something chances are you will act this way. Instead of taking the approach to learn how to, or improve, you shy away from it.

The very first step is being aware of this thought pattern and the resulting behaviour. To make any changes it is vital to be aware of a pattern. If it turns out to be limiting belief that is holding you back - this belief is best challenged and reframed. Is it due to lack of clarity, you know to get more clarity.

Feeling grounded

In order to stay calm and grounded it requires certain behaviours that feed being calm. 
Each person will have their own requirements. What you as an individual need to feel calm will most likely differ from someone else’s needs. Each has their own interpretation of success as well as what feeling calm and grounded means to them. 

Based on my own personal experience this also changes depending on our age.
I know when I was 30 my focus was very different to 40. At 30 I was focused on creating my family and being a wife and mother. At 50 I noticed that feeling fulfilled was my new goal and turning 60 was fabulous as I had completely grown into my skin by then and was more than happy to focus on my values and needs.  The 'older age’ goal is answering the question ‘how do I want this chapter of my life to look and feel’… This one is still work in progress so watch this space.

What comes next

​If you find yourself lost in a negative thinking pattern regarding an issue, observe yourself to find any common denominators to what kicks the first thought of - what sets those wheels in motion, what exactly triggers you?
And what do you do next?

Is it a recurring situation, a recurring interaction, an issue left unresolved, a lack of clarity?

It could be a number of things. Figure out what exactly it is that you wish to change.
I suggest two weeks of self-observation and then go into project management mode!
The project is change how you have been reacting to something.

It is up to you to change the ripple effect. The best place to start is with the decision that it is worth investing the time.
 
by Suzie Doscher, Executive Coach focusing on Personal Development
Photo credit: Pexels

Change is never easy.
It can take time which requires patience. You need to be ready for something to change.

The first step is self-awareness.  Raise your awareness to what exactly you wish to change.
Is it a bad habit? Has a behaviour pattern you developed become your default mode (now could be considered as a bad habit)?

Observe yourself for a period of time to really get to know what exactly it is you want to change.


This poem sums the process of change up beautifully:
 
 
Chapter One

I walk down the street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in
I am lost ….  am hopeless
It is not my fault
It takes forever to find a way out
 
Chapter Two
 
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I pretend I do not see it
I fall in again
I cannot believe I am in the same place
But it is not my fault
It still takes a long time to get out
 
Chapter Three
 
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I still see it there
I still fall in….it is a habit
My eyes are open
I know where I am
It is my fault
I get out immediately
 
Chapter Four
 
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I walk around it.
 
Chapter Five
I walk down another street

poem by Portia Nelson
Posted by Suzie Doscher, Executive Coach for Personal Development
Photo credit: Unsplash

Being consistent in leadership is easier said than done.
Applying leadership skills often comes across to the team as inauthentic.
Aligning your leadership values, with your natural or learned, skills is a brilliant way to make they leadership skills your own.

The Values of Leadership Values Exploration:

• Gain Self-Awareness: By exploring their values, strengths, and leadership philosophies, leaders can develop a deeper understanding of themselves and what drives their actions.
• Clarify Their Leadership Vision: Together we create your Unique Leadership Value Statements. This process help leaders clarify their desired leadership approach. The team feels the impact of this style of leadership.
• Develop Consistent Behaviors: Integrating the insights into their daily actions will enable leaders to lead with greater consistency and authenticity.
  
  

The Benefits of Consistent Leadership 
 
Investing in leadership development can yield numerous benefits for your organization, including:

• Improved Team Morale and Engagement: Consistent leadership fosters trust, clarity, and a sense of direction, which can positively impact team morale and engagement.
• Enhanced Decision-Making: Leaders who are self-aware and aligned with their values are better equipped to make decisions that are consistent with their leadership philosophy and the organization's goals.
• Increased Productivity and Performance: Consistent leadership can reduce confusion, minimize conflicts, and foster a more productive and focused work environment.
• Talent Retention: Effective and consistent leadership is a key factor in retaining top talent, as employees are more likely to stay with organizations that provide clear direction and support their professional growth.


• by Suzie Doscher, Executive Coach for Personal Development, Self-Help Author since 2014
  Photo credit: Pexels

New research shows that using digital devices to calm children down impairs development of emotional regulation mechanisms.
 

 So another one on digital use by kids - but what age are we talking about?
I have written before about various impacts of digital devices, social media use, and gaming but mostly by adolescents. This study looked at preschool children in Canada, that is ages 2-5.


Are kids that young using digital devices?!
Well, it now seems to be the default parenting mechanism in many families - I am also surprised by how parents give very young children digital devices to entertain them. But this particular longitudinal study by Konok et al. (a collaboration between Canadian and Hungarian researchers) looked at using digital devices to calm children down - using them as cures for the dreaded children tantrums common at this age.

And does this work?
Well, kind of. The problem is not whether a digital device can calm a child down temporarily but what it does to their emotional regulation system. This is what they tracked over time.

And what is the impact?
They followed up a year later after giving parents multiple questionnaires. And the bad news is that using digital devices to calm children down has a longer-term negative impact, specifically in the children showing poorer anger and frustration management.
This is in notable contrast to positive parental interventions i.e. speaking to the children and guiding them to better manage their emotions.
Basically giving kids digital devices lowers their emotional regulation abilities so just perpetuates the problem - or makes it worse in older ages.
Positive parental interventions are the most effective method.

So good ‘ole parenting skills are best!
Yes, probably no surprise, but certainly good to know what the negative impacts of digital devices are at this age. And a good reminder to use those good ’ole parenting skills.

Our results suggest that parents of children with greater temperament-based anger use digital devices to regulate the child's emotions (e.g., anger). However, this strategy hinders development of self-regulatory skills, leading to poorer effortful control and anger management in the child.

by ANDY HAYMAKER
Photocredit: Unsplash

by Suzie Doscher,
Executive Coach in Switzerland focusing on Personal Development.
Self Help Author since 2014

Photo credit: Pexels

“It Is Not What Happens To You, But How You React to What Happens”
Epictetus, Greek Stoic philosopher.
 
“The Only Moment In Which You Can Truly Be Alive is the Present Moment”
Thich Nat Hanh, Vietnamese Thiền Buddhist monk.

“The Things We Love Are Like the Leaves on a Tree:
They Can Fall at Any Moment with the Gust of Wind”
Marcus Aurelius, Roman emperor from 161 to 180 and a Stoic philosopher.
 
To me it says a lot that these wise words have been around for a long time.
They have been changed to reflect the present time. I read how they surface as if they are revelations - something new.
They are new to the new generations who are learning now which is the beauty of these wise words.

New books surface with the same information and will continue to do so.

The underlying wisdom and advice for life, will remain the same. How it is quoted changes to adapt with the times but not the meaning.


by Suzie Doscher, Executive Coaching focusing on Personal Development
Photo credit: Pexels
 

So are we back to the old, sceptical, observation, of “if you believe it works, it will work”?

Yes, indeed. The placebo effect is indeed powerful and a little mysterious. Many people put it down to “just being in your head”, simply “psychological”. But thoughts are made of chemical interactions in your brain - so a biological process which in turn influences your biology in other ways.
So, don’t underestimate the placebo effect - for if it does work, it does indeed work.

The best place to start with this topic is by understanding what you can gain from letting go of the past.
We tend to focus on what might be lost and frequently overlook what the benefits of taking this step are.

Try to imagine a life already free of images and thoughts from the past inhibiting you in the present. Imagine how it would feel if you maintained positive memories, ones that energized you rather than ones that drained you.

Carrying negative aspects of the past with you prevents you from feeling and knowing what the present has to offer. Sometimes you may be so entangled in old problems that you cannot see the changes that are necessary to make your life better. For this you will need to “clear out the deadwood” and make space for the new, that is: your life now.

You know that the past is the past; nevertheless you are still caught up in it through strong emotions. Intellectually you understand what is going on but somehow your emotions do not.
 
Some thoughts to motivate you to move on:

New research shows that walking in nature is more effective than walking in urban environments at restoring attention and cognitive control.

Nature is good for our health and brain: you have reported on this before, right?

Indeed, I have reported multiple times on how nature has been shown to be beneficial to all aspects of health and brain functioning:
This is another piece of supporting evidence by Amy McDonnell of the University of Utah. But also interestingly this is an intervention study.

What do you mean intervention study?

Well, many of these studies have looked at correlations between nature and positive health. But this does not disentangle cause and effect. For example is it the lower stress of those who live closer to nature not nature itself - similarly is it walking in general or walking in nature that is better.
So, in this study the researchers gave a task then prescribed two different interventions and measured effectiveness - also using EEG brain measurements.

Ok, so what was this study?

Amy McDonnell and David Strayer conducted an interesting experiment and one that is more robust than many other similar studies.
They ended up collected data on 92 individuals (which is larger than most similar studies). These individuals first of all conducted an attention task to help deplete attention reserves. This was a simple but mentally tiring task of counting backwards from 1000 in steps of 7. Starts of easy but when you get going it becomes tiring quickly and attention quickly slips.
They then did a standardised attention test to measure the level of depletion before going for a 40-minute walk. And here lies the difference: about half walked a route through nature, and the other walked through a more urban landscape across parking lots and building. The routes were matched in length and elevation gain.

Oh, and what happened?

Well, first after this they were wired up to EEG measurement equipment - electrodes on your scalp measuring brain activity. And then given another standardised attention test.
Given that they had had 40 minutes to recover with activity (which we know to be good) you may wonder if there was any difference at all?
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Was there?

Yes, there was. There wasn’t much of a difference between alertness and orientation but those that walked in nature showed improved executive control and this was matched by increased activity in the prefrontal cortex - responsible for higher order executive function. Participants also subjectively rated themselves as more recovered.
In short the walk in nature was much better than the urban walk.

So, it seems to be something specific to nature. What?

Yes, the above study, and many others, show that nature itself is what improves executive function (above and beyond rest and exercise), and health, and well-being in general.
Many researchers assume it is something baked into our DNA. We after all developed in nature and have this primal connection to nature. But there are all sorts of visual cues and smells - the chemicals released by plants have also been shown to have a positive impact on health and immune system function. It is probably all of the above combined but in short - nature is good for your brain and health.

So get into nature!

Indeed, another paper recently out by Makram et al. also shows that people in urban areas with more green have better mental health.

So get access to green whenever you can

But also as a clear strategy to improve cognitive function. A few minutes between meetings with a walk in a park will greatly help your cognitive function - not to be underestimated!

by ANDY HAYMAKER
Photocredit: Suzie Doscher

It seems odd that we do not just naturally live in the Now. After all, almost everyone would agree that the present moment, the Now, is all we have. The fact remains that most people do not live in the present moment and have to learn how to do so. Here are a few of the reasons I continue to master living in the moment:

1. I receive instant relief from stress.
2. I am able to manage fears.
3. I become calm instantly.
4. I feel my strength and personal power.
5. I put myself back into a place of enjoying life. (This might not be immediate, but it does not take long for me to feel vital again...)
6. By looking around me and taking in nature (as simple as looking out of the window at the sky or seeing a weed growing in the middle of train tracks), I realize how small I truly am in comparison. This puts things into perspective.

I have been working with one of my clients about how to live in the “Now”. Her tendency has been to react, motivated by past emotions. Our focus was to bring her to a place of acting, rather than reacting. Here is what she felt she achieved from learning to put herself back into the Now.

1. I am able to solve problems more easily because I only have to deal with the one actually on the table in front of me. I know that future problems (projections) will be solved at THAT moment, at that time. With this separation, I am able to worry less about the future, knowing that problems will be solved when they occur.
2. With this way of looking at things and problem solving, I feel a sense of freedom and can enjoy the day more – even if it is a difficult one. The load is not so heavy because I am only carrying the load of the present day.
3. Feeling freer gives me strength, which makes me ready for everything that happens in the moment.
4. I have more time. It seems that not wasting time by worrying about what might be, or feeling the emotions of what was, I create space. Space equals more time to me.
5. I enjoy myself more. This makes me happier.
6. It has been hard and takes practice, but is well worth it to feel the way I do now.

 
By mastering the art of living in the moment, you are taking good care and being very kind to yourself. That alone should make it worth the effort.
Remember: “Do not encumber your mind with useless thoughts. What good does it do to brood on the past or anticipate the future? Remain in the simplicity of the present moment”.

By Suzie Doscher, Professional Executive Coach focusing on Personal Development, Native English Speaking, 18 years experience in the field of coaching.

Photo credit: Pexels

Self-awareness involves understanding your personality, behaviours and behaviour patterns.
It is all about getting to know yourself and what makes you who you are.

• Take a closer look at what is standing in your way to go where you want to go, be who you want to be.
• Research suggests that seeing yourself more clearly not only boosts our confidence but also our creativity. Sounder decisions and clearer communication are additional benefits.

Raising your self-awareness starts with self-reflection and observing your behaviour and reactions.
Self-reflection can be a powerful tool on its own. Time spent exploring this is time well worth spent.
Raising your self-awareness can involve observing yourself for ca 2 weeks.  
 
Make  notes of what you witness:

• What pattern, if any, do you see?
• What is good, do you like?
• What do you not like?
• Write down what you wish to change
  
  
  by Suzie Doscher, Executive Coach focusing on Personal Development, Self-help Author since 2014.
  BALANCE - A Practical Handbook for Life's Difficult Moments.
  Photo credit: Suzie Doscher
  

Maybe you are trapped in a golden cage?
Maybe you feel you have been forced into this cage or have chosen it.

For whatever reason you are feeling trapped or as if your wings have been clipped, it is not a nice feeling.

It is up to you to figure out what needs to change to set yourself free.
This is a lot easier said than done.

I remember reading The Road Less Travelled. At the time I bought it the concept of self-help was new to me.
I was in a state and knew that something had to change. I had no idea what, and even less of a clue where to begin. So, I bought a book!
I remember I got as far as ‘life is difficult and the sooner you accept it, the easier it gets’. (Or at least that is how I remember it)
Naturally this was not the ‘quick fix’ I was hoping for. However, those words made such an impact on me that they were in fact a ‘quick fix’.

My next step was to accept that life is not easy and therefore change my expectations. Life can be difficult

The first law of perception is that the eyes see but it is the mind that tells you what you see.  One of the reasons our mind tells us what we see, or perceive, is that our underlying beliefs tend to make us look for certain things.  For example a cynic will see what he is looking for just as much as an optimist will see what he is looking for.  Each chooses their experience from their beliefs.  

What are Beliefs?
Beliefs are thought patterns, evaluations, opinions, judgements and generalizations that we hold about ourselves and others.  These beliefs are stored by our unconscious mind during our early formative childhood years.  Our experiences with our parents, relatives, siblings, teachers, friends, social environment, from traumas, media influence or repetitive experiences add to the collection of information that forms these beliefs, be it negative or positive.  Beliefs are the data we base the formation of our self image on.  J.H.Brennan states  ‘It is believed that as children we define ourselves by how others see us.  In other words we take on someone else’s visions or impressions of ourselves and turn them into our own self image.’ An excerpt from the book  ‘Getting what you want’.

If you tell a child often enough something negative about themselves, they are being conditioned to believe it is true.  Children are curious about everything, and consequently learn very quickly, they are hungry for knowledge and information. By asking questions they learn and acquire knowledge, consequently they are eager to be told things and will listen to whomever is doing the telling be it a parent, teacher, friend or some other outside influence. As children our parents instill their beliefs in us.  After all, children have little or no information to analyse or evaluate a situation; they tend to accept what they are told as being the truth.  They are too young to verify or falsify these beliefs.

In my professional experience as a coach focusing on personal development beliefs can be reawakened in adults by the last boss, the present day boss or anyone in a person's life.
 
Where do Beliefs come from and what is their impact on us?

Our beliefs are created and stored in our unconscious mind;

The stress response begins in the brain. However, this stimulates a whole bodily response, and an international collaboration has now uncovered the mechanisms of how chronic stress impacts the brain to change neuronal responses that can lead to symptoms such as social withdrawal - which in turn can be a major contributor to developing mental illness.

Flurin Cathomas of the University of Zurich, here in Switzerland, and research colleagues showed that an enzyme released during stress impacts brain function.
"We were able to show that stress increases the amount of the matrix metalloproteinase-8 (MMP-8), an enzyme in the blood of mice. The same changes were found in patients with depression,"
This research, in mice notabene, leads to behavioral changes: they withdraw and avoid social contact such as is common in depression.

Can you tell us who you are and what you do?
I am a Professional Master Coach accredited by the International Authority for Professional Coaching and Mentoring (IAPCM). I am American born, grew up in Switzerland where my family moved in the 60’s. My father was the marketing man for a US corporation establishing European headquarters. Corporate lifestyle and executives were very much part of my upbringing. Consequently I feel at home in and amongst any cultures and with all management levels within organizations. A feeling for ‘life at work’ and how it integrates ‘with life at home’ comes to me naturally and is my passion as a coach.
After 32 years in England I now live back in Switzerland and work internationally since 2006.
 
What is your elevator pitch?
 “Where there is a will, there is a way”.
 'I support you and together we find the way and keep your motivation in tact to stay on the ‘way’.
 
What is the one thing that makes you unique in this profession?
My goal is not keep clients involved in long-term contracts. I love that about coaching.
I work with my clients for a little while, establishing the needed skills to deal with the obstacles in their way.  I am here for them to come back to for some ‘maintenance’ or ‘upgrades’  at a later date.
 To me successful coaching means my client is in a better place having enhanced their strengths, manage their weaknesses better, and are able to handle day to day with more comfort and ease.

What makes you stand out from the crowd?
I am known for my incisive questioning, open-heart, ability not to be judgmental and holding the space with and for my clients. Equally for being able to quickly grasp the underlying issues. I have been told that 'clarity' is one of my specialties.

What inspired you to become a coach?