by Suzie Doscher, Executive and Life Coach, Zurich, Switzerland

In the Oxford Dictionary, the definition of a “control freak” is “a person who feels an obsessive need to exercise control over themselves and others and to take command of any situation.” The Merriam Webster dictionary says that a control freak is “a person whose behavior indicates a powerful need to control people or circumstances in everyday matters.” One way or another, control freaks are not always easy to be around.
I understand this personality trait could stem from a chaotic childhood. Such experiences can make it hard for people to trust others or relinquish control to others. The fear of falling apart pushes them to control what they can. As their emotions are all over the place, they feel loss of control. For this reason, control freaks will micromanage whatever they can with the belief that this makes them strong. People who feel out of control tend to become controllers.
I imagine each and every one of us is a control freak, or takes on the behavior of such, at some point or another. The fear of failure is what makes it so important to control everything when you do not trust anybody else to do a good job.
 
One difficult aspect of being around a control freak is accepting that he or she does not understand how their behavior and choice of words affect the people around them. Another difficult aspect is not to take it personally. This behavior comes from deep inside and the person is actually quite unaware of the need to be controlling.
 
The attempts to control a situation or environment are intended to offer the controller a feeling of safety. This is a sign of low self-esteem.
 
One of the areas they often manipulate is conversation. A control freak is most comfortable if he or she decides what is talked about, for how long, and how deep or detailed a topic can be. This manipulation is achieved by constant interruption, finishing the sentence for the person, not listening with attention, doing distracting things like getting up and walking around, or even walking out of the room saying, “I am still listening.” A control freak does not consider that he or she is being controlling, but is convinced his or her way is the right way. He or she will have an opinion about almost everything and will disagree with most suggestions that he or she does not instigate.
 
Controllers also control themselves; you might observe obsessive habits in them – whether in a private relationship or at work. 
 
Here are helpful tips to consider when dealing with a micro-manager:

• If someone dominates conversations, allow him or her to finish. Then, in a calm manner say, “I understand what you are saying and now I would like to express my thoughts.”
• If someone continually gives you his or her advice by telling you exactly what you should be doing, again, in a calm manner say, “I value your advice, but I wish to consider my own thoughts on this matter as well.”
• Your goal for establishing a healthier communication pattern with a control freak is to eventually “agree to disagree.” 
• Be as consistent as possible with the style in which you communicate. It will require patience and time, butitcan result in turning the negative communication pattern into one that is more acceptable to you.
• Express yourself assertively without giving the person the feeling that you are telling him or her what to do. Never try to control a controller.
• Remain calm and be consistent with controllers. Getting angry does not achieve anything. Control freaks have no problem with arguments. In fact, they seek power struggles. Remember, in their minds the world should feel, think, and do what they deem is right.
• You can walk out of the room into a better space; they, however, are left with their issues, unless they seek support.

 
A control freak has the ability to bring you down a couple of notches and take the wind out of your sails. They can make people feel insecure. You may want to distance yourself if it is possible. If not,because the person is a member of your family or work colleague or boss, then consider what choices you do have based on the points raised above. 
Raising your awareness to the fact that the person is micro-managing frequently already helps to make the situation easier to handle.
 
The benefits of establishing a manner of communication where you do not allow the control freak to rob you of your energy or drown you with negativity is that you become stronger, more assertive, and empowered. 

In summary, here are helpful steps for handling the moment:

1. Acknowledge that you are in conversation with a control freak.
2. Whenever possible,buy yourself some time by taking a couple of deep breaths after excusing yourself for a minute. If you can leave the situation for longer, take a walk around the block to clear your head. Remind yourself that you are dealing with a control freak.
3. Accept that you are not going to be able to change how the person behaves or who he or she is. Maintain the focus on your reactions and communication style.
4. Remind yourself that you do not know what makes the control freak behave this way, so try not to judge them.
5. In conversations, listen without interrupting. Be calm and patient.
6. Express your own opinion/thoughts. Be assertive, but not aggressive.
7. Once the conversation is over, do something that will nourish you. This might be as simple as taking in a couple of deep breaths and exhaling the negative energy the control freak brings along.
8. Accept that you handled the situation as best as can be expected and that it will take time and practice not to feel affected by a control freak/micro-manager’s behavior style.

 
Being in the company of control freaks can feel like being with Energy Vampires.
Their ability to endlessly bring the attention backonto themselves is draining and exhausting. Knowing what to expect can help you choose how to interact and take care of yourself at the same time. 

Dear Suzie,

Congratulations!

I am stopping by with exciting news. 
Your book, Balance: A Practical Handbook and Workbook for Finding Balance during Life’s Difficult Moments appears in this month’s #AspireMag Top 10 Inspiring Books List along with 9 other visionary female authors.

This month’s Top 10 Inspirational Book List 

Publisher Linda Joy embraces the feminine collaborative model and loves playing, partnering and working with visionary leaders who do the same. For over ten years, she has been supporting visionary female leaders and heart-centered entrepreneurs in getting their message and brand in front of the women they are meant to serve.

The BALANCE Handbook helps you with difficult moments
This book is about change and finding balance in life.
Read it when you feel vulnerable and unsure of yourself.
 
This book will help you find new opportunities, learn new behaviors and life skills to become the best version of yourself. 

Handle everyday problems more effectively and improve the quality of your life and the life of those around you.
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Take the time to invest in yourself before you find yourself off balance. Strengthen your weaknesses before they rule your life.

This 2nd Edition Handbook now includes the Interactive Workbook for Self-Coaching.  With the journaling in the Workbook you explore your goals, where you stand now and the issues from the past holding you back.
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Order your book  today and start bringing more balance into your life.

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In my experience over all well-being and emotional intelligence are linked, it is hard to have one without the other. It is good to know the skills required to grow emotionally can be developed.  
The ability to, not only access your intuition - that gut feeling or inner voice - but also to respect what it is telling you is one of these skills. 
Learning to reshape long-established stifling patterns of behavior allows you to embrace the challenges of life more easily. Part of this is feeling intuitively what is right in a given situation.  
 
You will not gain anything from coaching if you are comfortable remaining passive with respect to difficult situations. Instead of this, be guided, encouraged, supported and motivated in developing your own possibilities to take action.
 
When you step on the path of personal development bear in mind: 

by Suzie Doscher,
​Executive and Life Coach, Zurich

According to the Business Dictionary personal power is “Influence over others, the source of which resides in the person instead of being vested by the position he or she holds.” In my opinion personal power in non-business language is the strength that lies within you. I feel I found my full personal power once I was aware and connected with my core values, had the life skills to handle difficult moments and situations, and had an influence on where my mind took me.  
 
Personal power is composed of:

• Knowing who you are
• Being comfortable with yourself
• Knowing what is right and wrong, a personal code of ethics 
• Being honest and trustworthy not only with others, but also with yourself
• Being dependable, again not only for others, but also for yourself
• Living your life from a place of integrity
• Handling your choices and their consequences, even the negative ones
• Knowing what you want, finding your way forward
• Knowing your weaknesses and your strengths
• Having an open-heartedand non-judgmental approach
• Taking responsibility for your actions and yourself