Helpful Suggestions When Communicating With Control Freaks

In the Oxford Dictionary, the definition of a “control freak” is “a person who feels an obsessive need to exercise control over themselves and others and to take command of any situation.” The Merriam Webster dictionary says that a control freak is “a person whose behaviour indicates a powerful need to control people or circumstances in everyday matters.”

This personality trait could stem from a chaotic childhood, alcoholic parents, abusive behaviour, or early abandonment. Such experiences can make it hard for people to trust or relinquish control to others. The fear of falling apart pushes them to control what they can. As their emotions are all over the place, they feel loss of control. For this reason control freaks will micromanage whatever they can with the belief that this makes them strong. People who feel out of control tend to become controllers.

I imagine each and every one of us is a control freak, or takes on the behaviour of such, at some point or another. The fear of failure is what makes it so important to control everything when you do not trust anybody else to do a good job.

One difficult aspect of being around a control freak is accepting that they do not understand how their behaviour and choice of words affect the people around them. Another difficult aspect is not to take it personally. This behaviour comes from deep inside and the person is actually quite unaware of being a control freak.

​The attempts to control a situation or environment are intended to offer the controller a feeling of safety. This is a sign of low self-esteem.

One of the areas they often manipulate is conversation. A control freak is most comfortable if he or she decides what is talked about, for how long, and how deep or detailed a topic can be. This manipulation is achieved by constant interruption, finishing the sentence for the person, not listening with attention, doing distracting things like getting up and walking around, or even walking out of the room saying, “I am still listening.” A control freak does not consider him or herself as controlling, but is convinced his or her way is the right way. He or she will have an opinion about almost everything and will disagree with most suggestions that he or she does not instigate.
 
Controllers also control themselves; you might observe obsessive habits in them–whether in a private relationship or at work helpful tips to consider:

• If someone dominates conversations, allow them to finish. Then, in a calm manner tell them, “I understand what you are saying and now I would like to express my thoughts.”
•  If someone continually gives you their advice by telling you exactly what you should be doing, again, in a calm manner, tell them, “I value your advice, but I wish to consider my own thoughts on this matter as well."
• Your goal for establishing a healthier communication pattern with a control freak is to eventually “agree to disagree.” Be as consistent as possible with the style in which you communicate. It will require patience and time, but can result in turning the negative communication pattern into one that is more acceptable to you.
• Express yourself assertively without giving the person the feeling you are telling them what to do. Never try to control a controller.
• Remain calm and be consistent with controllers. Getting angry does not achieve anything. Control freaks have no problem with arguments. In fact, they seek power struggles. Remember, in their minds the world should feel, think and do what they deem is right.
• Remember a control freak always looks for a power struggle. You can buy yourself some time by taking a couple of deep breaths after excusing yourself for a minute. If you can leave the situation for longer, take a walk around the block to clear your head. Accept that you are dealing with a control freak.
•  Remember that you can walk out of the room into a better space; they, however, are left with their issues possibly for the rest of their life, unless they seek support.
• A control freak has the ability to bring you down a couple of notches and take the wind out of your sails. They like to make people feel insecure about themselves. You may want to distance yourself. Start to distance yourself slowly.
• The benefits of establishing a manner of communication where you do not allow them to rob you of your energy or drown you with their negativity will be a stronger, more assertive, empowering you.

 
In summary, here are 8 helpful steps for what to do in the moment:

1. Acknowledge that you are in conversation with a control freak.
2. If necessary, buy yourself some time to clarify your thoughts. Do some deep breathing to clear your head and calm your emotions.
3. Accept that you are not going to be able to change how the person behaves or who he or she is. Maintain the focus on your reactions and communication style.
4. Accept the person for their behaviour by accepting that they are the way they are for whatever reason.
5. In conversations, listen without interrupting. Be calm and patient.
6. Express your own opinion/thoughts. Be assertive, but not aggressive.
7. Once the conversation is over, do something that will nourish you. This might be as simple as taking in a couple of deep breaths and exhaling the negative energy the control freak brings along.
8. Accept that you handled the situation as best as can be expected and that it will take time and practice.

 
Being in the company of control freaks can feel like being with “Energy Vampires.” Their ability to endlessly bring the attention back on to themselves is draining and exhausting. Knowing what to expect can help you choose how to interact and take care of yourself at the same time.

By Suzie Doscher, Professional Executive Coach focusing on Personal Development
Photo credit: Unsplash
Excerpt from: BALANCE - A Practical Handbook for Life's Difficult Moments by Suzie Doscher

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