Key thoughts on how to face difficult decisions

When faced with a difficult decision it is important to know that you always have choices. It is hard to realize there is more than one solution to any given problem. One important life skill to learn is how to find those choices when faced with a difficult decision. With this skill, life becomes easier to keep in balance. More balance means less stress.
 
Think of a situation you are facing and see if any of the comments below can be applied:
 
1.   Think in terms of either do or do not. A choice available already!
2.   The same goes for expressing yourself: “I choose to say something or I choose to say nothing”. Also, for your emotional reactions: “I choose to take offence in this situation or I choose not to react as though this were personal”. “I choose to say ‘no’ when setting a boundary.”
3.   You always have the option to leave things as they are and do nothing.
4.   Doing “nothing” means you have made the choice “not to take action”. Non-action is still a choice.
5.   If you choose to act, then accept it is you who has taken the choice to “do something”.
6.   Either way there is always at least one choice.
7.   Think of a few scenarios to help you appreciate this is true (to have a cup of tea or not, to say something or not, to buy something or not, to leave a situation or not, to leave the relationship/location/job or not).
8.   When you are feeling like you have reached a dead end, ask yourself “what happens if I do nothing?” or,
9.   “What happens if I do something?”, then proceed to work out what the choice is.
10.   Either way always take responsibility for whatever choice you make.
11.   You might not always like the consequences of your choice, so think carefully before you take action. Try to be true to yourself and honour your values. Do what is right for you, not what you think you should do to please others. Follow your intuition whenever possible. It is there to guide us in the right direction, however frequently we ignore its advice.
12.   Accept that having a choice is true for absolutely everything. When it comes to things/people/situations we cannot change we still have a choice as to how we react!
 
Personal growth and development go on throughout your life. The life skills you acquire along the way improve the quality of your day-to-day life. With each new life skill you will handle situations that you previously might have struggled with more quickly and with greater ease and confidence. The more practice you have using your life skills, the more part of you they become. With time you might begin to forget that they were acquired skills!





How to accept someone’s choice even though you do not understand it

Someone makes a choice you simply do not understand. The consequences may or may not touch your life, involve you, affect you and so on. One way or another you cannot see what they are basing their decision on. This is the part that makes accepting their choice so difficult. I am going to break this down into two parts.
 
Part One: Understanding
Take the view that:
 
•     Everybody has the right to see life through his or her own eyes, the right to their own reality.
•     Their reality will be based on experiences they have had so far in their life.
•     These experiences will have formed their beliefs, values, goals, point of view, etc.
•     Accepting and thereby respecting their choice means you are not judging them.
•     Ask yourself: “What gives you the right to judge someone?” or “What gives you the right to believe you know what is right for him or her?” If you think about this, it is quite presumptuous.
•     Hopefully at this point you can interrupt your desire to explain their choice to yourself.
 
Part Two: Acceptance
 
•     To truly accept means not to have any conditions attached to this acceptance. As mentioned before, each person has a right to their own reality to see life through his or her own eyes.
•     These lyrics come to mind: “If You Love Someone, Set Them Free”. Accept them and let them go.
•     Letting go of any conditions attached to your acceptance is how you set them free. A few examples of “conditions” are: what you believe is right, what you think about how life should be – basically any “condition” that involves a judgement by you.
•     To further help with your acceptance ask yourself: “What will I lose if they do something I do not understand?”
•     Finding the open-heartedness to look beyond yourself – this is setting someone free. Let them be who they are, follow their own path, be true to their own values. You will be surprised how good you will feel.
 
Love them for who, how, and what they are. By doing this you are respecting their choices. Helping yourself reach the place of being able to respect their choices is also setting yourself free and gaining/holding on to your Personal Power.





Helpful suggestions when communicating with “control freaks” also known as Micro-Managers

In the Oxford Dictionary, the definition of a “control freak” is “a person who feels an obsessive need to exercise control over themselves and others and to take command of any situation”. The Merriam Webster dictionary says that a control freak is “a person whose behaviour indicates a powerful need to control people or circumstances in everyday matters”.

This personality trait could stem from a chaotic childhood, alcoholic parents, abusive behaviour, or early abandonment. Such experiences can make it hard for people to trust, or relinquish control to, others. The fear of falling apart pushes them to control what they can. As their emotions are all over the place, they feel loss of control. For this reason control freaks will micromanage whatever they can with the belief that this makes them strong. People who feel out of control tend to become controllers.
I imagine each and every one of us is a control freak, or takes on the behaviour of such, at some point or another. The fear of failure is what makes it so important to control everything when you do not trust anybody else to do a good job.

One difficult aspect of being around a control freak is accepting that they do not understand how their behaviour and choice of words affect the people around them. Another difficult aspect is not to take it personally. This behaviour comes from deep inside and the person is actually quite unaware of being a control freak.

The attempts to control a situation or environment are intended to offer the controller a feeling of safety. This is a sign of low self-esteem.

One of the areas they often manipulate is conversation. A control freak is most comfortable if he or she decides what is talked about, for how long, and how deep or detailed a topic can be. This manipulation is achieved by constant interruption, finishing the sentence for the person, not listening with attention, doing distracting things like getting up and walking around, or even walking out of the room saying, “I am still listening”. A control freak does not consider him or herself as controlling, but is convinced his or her way is the right way. He or she will have an opinion about almost everything and will disagree with most suggestions that he or she does not instigate.
 
Controllers also control themselves; you might observe obsessive habits in them –whether in a private relationship or at work helpful tips to consider:
 
•     If someone dominates conversations, allow them to finish. Then, in a calm manner tell them, “I understand what you are saying and now I would like to express my thoughts”.
•     If someone continually gives you their advice by telling you exactly what you should be doing, again, in a calm manner, tell them, “I value your advice, but I wish to consider my own thoughts on this matter as well”.
•     Your goal for establishing a healthier communication pattern with a control freak is to eventually “agree to disagree”. Be as consistent as possible with the style in which you communicate. It will require patience and time, but can result in turning the negative communication pattern into one that is more acceptable to you.
•     Express yourself assertively without giving the person the feeling you are telling them what to do. Never try to control a controller.
•     Remain calm and be consistent with controllers. Getting angry does not achieve anything. Control freaks have no problem with arguments. In fact, they seek power struggles. Remember, in their minds the world should feel, think and do what they deem is right.
•     Remember a control freak always looks for a power struggle. You can buy yourself some time by taking a couple of deep breaths after excusing yourself for a minute. If you can leave the situation for longer, take a walk around the block to clear your head. Accept that you are dealing with a control freak.
•     Remember that you can walk out of the room into a better space; they, however, are left with their issues possibly for the rest of their life, unless they seek support.
•     A control freak has the ability to bring you down a couple of notches and take the wind out of your sails. They like to make people feel insecure about themselves. You may want to distance yourself. Start to distance yourself slowly.
•     The benefits of establishing a manner of communication where you do not allow them to rob you of your energy or drown you with their negativity will be a stronger, more assertive, empowering you.
 
In summary, here are 8 helpful steps for what to do in the moment:
 
1.   Acknowledge to yourself that you are in conversation with a control freak.
2.   If necessary, buy yourself some time to clarify your thoughts. Do some deep breathing to clear your head and calm your emotions.
3.   Accept that you are not going to be able to change how the person behaves or who he or she is. Maintain the focus on your reactions and communication style.
4.   Forgive the person for his or her behaviour by understanding what makes him or her behave this way.
5.   In conversations, listen without interrupting. Be calm and patient.
6.   Express your own opinion/thoughts. Be assertive, but not aggressive.
7.   Once the conversation is over, do something that will nourish you. This might be as simple as taking in a couple of deep breaths and exhaling the negative energy the control freak brings along.
8.   Accept that you handled the situation as best as can be expected and that it will take time and practice.
 
Being in the company of control freaks can feel like being with “Energy Vampires”. Their ability to endlessly bring the attention back on to themselves is draining and exhausting. Knowing what to expect can help you choose how to interact and take care of yourself at the same time.

by Suzie Doscher, Executive Coach focusing on Personal Development, Zurich, Switzerland

Research into mice shows social fearful memories being recorded in their brains

Our brains must be sensitive to social threat - this is a major threat I would have thought?
Indeed and this is precisely what Pegah Kassraian et al. of Columbia University investigated to give us some clear answers of how social threatening and socially safe memories are saved.

How on earth can you do this with mice?
Good question - remember mice are also social creatures and their brains are good models for us human beings but being far less complex, of course.
We already know that the hippocampus is a key memory area that this also stores various memories - notably physical locations (many memories are also distributed across the brain).
In this experiment they had mice scamper off and they met a stranger mouse in one location and in this location they were given a mild electric shock to trigger threat and negativity with this individual. In the opposite direction they also came across a strenger mouse but were not shocked. This was the “safe place”.
Keep up to date with fascinating research updates and reviews - made readable
Upgrade to paid
And what happened?
Well, as to be expected they quickly learned where the safe place was but the interesting bit is that they focused on two regions of the hippocampus known as CA1 and CA2.
A common method in research nowadays is to silence various regions chemically or with methods such as laser activation/deactivation. In this experiment they could then silence these particular brain regions separately and then see what happens to behaviour after this silencing.
In the normal situation the mice would avoid the location and stranger where they got zapped and go towards the safe location.
Silencing these regions CA1 and CA2 had different effects.

How different?
Well when they silenced CA1 the mice could no longer remember where they had been shocked but still avoided the mouse that had been in that location. So they remembered a social threat but not the location. Or in other words CA1 is a region that seems dedicated (also supporting previous research) that stores locations and places.
The opposite happened when CA2 was silenced - the mice remembered the location but became indiscriminately afraid of both mice.

So regions in the hippocampus record different types of memory - and we need both to operate together.
Yes, social threat is recorded in CA2 and location threat in CA1. Using both gives more nuanced and complete picture. And fascinating to know that single small brain regions in our hippocampus records social threat!

Nice to know where social threat sits in our brain
Indeed. We do need to see that this translates into human beings also.

By Andy Habermacher of Leading Brains
Photocredit:
Share

Pegah Kassraian, Shivani K. Bigler, Diana M. Gilly Suarez, et al.
The hippocampal CA2 region discriminates social threat from social safety.
Nature Neuroscience, 2024
DOI: 10.1038/s41593-024-01771-8

Everybody has a past.
Living in the past, however, robs you of the present, the present moment, the ‘now’.

In my coaching practice, exploring some of the ‘baggage’ filled with issues relating to your past is
necessary to find out what exactly you are still hanging on to. Pain that remains should be healed
and beliefs that sabotage you with constricting behaviour patterns replaced by healthier patterns.
Enjoy your happy, loving and exciting memories. Allow them to energise you, offer you creativity
and inspiration, but do not hang on to anything no longer of value. Explore it, examine it, heal it
and move on.

Letting go of the past and living in the present while looking towards the future is rejuvenating.

Exercise. (Have pen and paper and time to write your thoughts down)

Start by exploring where you stand in relation to your past and how it might be affecting your
present day life.
Are you holding on to old thinking patterns that are no longer relevant, or serve you now?

These will have created behaviour patterns, which are limiting and disempowering for how you
wish to live your life.

We are going to cover the following areas:
• Acknowledging the good and bad from the past
• Exploring what you are thankful for
• Considering what had to happen for you to be where you are now
• What and/or whom (including yourself) to stop judging
• Any unfinished business and/or open ends
 

Exploration and Fact gathering:
1. What was good about your past?
What are you thankful for?
2. What still has a negative and/or disempowering hold on you?
Such as thoughts, feelings, people and so on.
3. What old habits still control some of your behaviour?
4. List successes in the past.
 
What had to happen for you to have that success?
6. Whom (including yourself) are you still judging and/or blaming relating to the past?
7. Whom can you thank, and what for?
8. What do you have to accept? This could be accepting someone’s limitations and therefore
reducing your expectations or making them more realistic. I like the quote: “You cannot
change people but you can change how you react to them.”
 
9. Who do you need to talk to, ask something of or gain a better understanding of?
10. Are there any open ends or unresolved issues? (Such as physical, financial, environmental.)
What jumped out at you from this exploration?

What not to forget i.e.:
Today I am ....................................................................thanks to
..........................................................
or
……............... (write whatever works best for you)

Think of this as the first step in the process. One step up the ladder gets you closer.

by Suzie Doscher, Executive Coach, Personal Development
Photo credit: Suzie Doscher

an excerpt from BALANCE - an Interactive Workbook by Suzie Doscher

Change is never easy.
It can take time which requires patience. You need to be ready for something to change.

The first step is self-awareness.  Raise your awareness to what exactly you wish to change.
Is it a bad habit? Has a behaviour pattern you developed become your default mode (now could be considered as a bad habit)?

Observe yourself for a period of time to really get to know what exactly it is you want to change.


This poem sums the process of change up beautifully:
 
 
Chapter One

I walk down the street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in
I am lost ….  am hopeless
It is not my fault
It takes forever to find a way out
 
Chapter Two
 
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I pretend I do not see it
I fall in again
I cannot believe I am in the same place
But it is not my fault
It still takes a long time to get out
 
Chapter Three
 
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I still see it there
I still fall in….it is a habit
My eyes are open
I know where I am
It is my fault
I get out immediately
 
Chapter Four
 
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I walk around it.
 
Chapter Five
I walk down another street

poem by Portia Nelson
Posted by Suzie Doscher, Executive Coach for Personal Development
Photo credit: Unsplash

Being consistent in leadership is easier said than done.
Applying leadership skills often comes across to the team as inauthentic.
Aligning your leadership values, with your natural or learned, skills is a brilliant way to make they leadership skills your own.

The Values of Leadership Values Exploration:

• Gain Self-Awareness: By exploring their values, strengths, and leadership philosophies, leaders can develop a deeper understanding of themselves and what drives their actions.
• Clarify Their Leadership Vision: Together we create your Unique Leadership Value Statements. This process help leaders clarify their desired leadership approach. The team feels the impact of this style of leadership.
• Develop Consistent Behaviors: Integrating the insights into their daily actions will enable leaders to lead with greater consistency and authenticity.
  
  

The Benefits of Consistent Leadership 
 
Investing in leadership development can yield numerous benefits for your organization, including:

• Improved Team Morale and Engagement: Consistent leadership fosters trust, clarity, and a sense of direction, which can positively impact team morale and engagement.
• Enhanced Decision-Making: Leaders who are self-aware and aligned with their values are better equipped to make decisions that are consistent with their leadership philosophy and the organization's goals.
• Increased Productivity and Performance: Consistent leadership can reduce confusion, minimize conflicts, and foster a more productive and focused work environment.
• Talent Retention: Effective and consistent leadership is a key factor in retaining top talent, as employees are more likely to stay with organizations that provide clear direction and support their professional growth.


• by Suzie Doscher, Executive Coach for Personal Development, Self-Help Author since 2014
  Photo credit: Pexels

“It Is Not What Happens To You, But How You React to What Happens”
Epictetus, Greek Stoic philosopher.
 
“The Only Moment In Which You Can Truly Be Alive is the Present Moment”
Thich Nat Hanh, Vietnamese Thiền Buddhist monk.

“The Things We Love Are Like the Leaves on a Tree:
They Can Fall at Any Moment with the Gust of Wind”
Marcus Aurelius, Roman emperor from 161 to 180 and a Stoic philosopher.
 
To me it says a lot that these wise words have been around for a long time.
They have been changed to reflect the present time. I read how they surface as if they are revelations - something new.
They are new to the new generations who are learning now which is the beauty of these wise words.

New books surface with the same information and will continue to do so.

The underlying wisdom and advice for life, will remain the same. How it is quoted changes to adapt with the times but not the meaning.


by Suzie Doscher, Executive Coaching focusing on Personal Development
Photo credit: Pexels
 

So are we back to the old, sceptical, observation, of “if you believe it works, it will work”?

Yes, indeed. The placebo effect is indeed powerful and a little mysterious. Many people put it down to “just being in your head”, simply “psychological”. But thoughts are made of chemical interactions in your brain - so a biological process which in turn influences your biology in other ways.
So, don’t underestimate the placebo effect - for if it does work, it does indeed work.

Self-awareness involves understanding your personality, behaviours and behaviour patterns.
It is all about getting to know yourself and what makes you who you are.

• Take a closer look at what is standing in your way to go where you want to go, be who you want to be.
• Research suggests that seeing yourself more clearly not only boosts our confidence but also our creativity. Sounder decisions and clearer communication are additional benefits.

Raising your self-awareness starts with self-reflection and observing your behaviour and reactions.
Self-reflection can be a powerful tool on its own. Time spent exploring this is time well worth spent.
Raising your self-awareness can involve observing yourself for ca 2 weeks.  
 
Make  notes of what you witness:

• What pattern, if any, do you see?
• What is good, do you like?
• What do you not like?
• Write down what you wish to change
  
  
  by Suzie Doscher, Executive Coach focusing on Personal Development, Self-help Author since 2014.
  BALANCE - A Practical Handbook for Life's Difficult Moments.
  Photo credit: Suzie Doscher
  

Maybe you are trapped in a golden cage?
Maybe you feel you have been forced into this cage or have chosen it.

For whatever reason you are feeling trapped or as if your wings have been clipped, it is not a nice feeling.

It is up to you to figure out what needs to change to set yourself free.
This is a lot easier said than done.

I remember reading The Road Less Travelled. At the time I bought it the concept of self-help was new to me.
I was in a state and knew that something had to change. I had no idea what, and even less of a clue where to begin. So, I bought a book!
I remember I got as far as ‘life is difficult and the sooner you accept it, the easier it gets’. (Or at least that is how I remember it)
Naturally this was not the ‘quick fix’ I was hoping for. However, those words made such an impact on me that they were in fact a ‘quick fix’.

My next step was to accept that life is not easy and therefore change my expectations. Life can be difficult

1. The Present
 
It is best to start by examining your present-day reality.  Determine 'what is working' and 'what is not working'.
Once you have the answers explore what you can influence and what not.
 
Eckhart Tolle refers to living in the Now, which means being able to see and feel what your life is in the present moment.
The present-day buzzword for this is to be mindful by practicing mindfulness.
Standing in a beautiful park, by a calming body of water, or attending your child’s school play or other family event, and actually seeing the trees, feeling the flow and energy of the water, enjoying the play or event while feeling joy instead of being lost in your thoughts (which are taking you elsewhere) is experiencing the now, the present moment, being mindful of that very moment.
 
Thoughts can propel you into an entirely different location even if you are not there physically. It seems odd that we do not just naturally live in the now. After all, almost everyone would agree that the present moment, the now, is all we have.
 
When you are able to live in the day life becomes more relaxed and enjoyable. You empower yourself by influencing what you can influence.
This becomes a powerful technique to step out of stress.
This is not to say you should never think of the future and plan to reach your goals and avoid pitfalls.
It is more about how this is done. Keep your energy where it is needed - in the day.

Deal with issues and problems as they arise.
By doing this you keep yourself strong to deal with the present-day reality.
Your self-confidence and self-esteem will thank you.
 
 
2. The Future

How are you doing?
I do not mean physically. I am referring to how you are doing emotionally.
There are all sorts of people, all sorts of approaches to  handle life, all sorts of approaches and mindsets, all sorts of biases, fears, beliefs and all sorts of processing ways and speeds. 

I spent a weekend in the Swiss Alps where across one of the gorgeous small alpine lakes a slack line event was happening.
It was amazing to watch all levels of slack line walkers move across the lake.
At first I thought “I guess falling into the water is not too bad” followed by “but then they have to swim back to shore and start again”. I noticed they were wearing a safety harness. Losing balance meant still being attached to the line, so they would not fall into the water.
To start again they beautifully maneuvered with grace and elegance  back up on the line.

Anyhow, this all made me realize that ‘getting back up’ is a most vital skill to have for life with all of its ups and downs. After all the reality of life is a series of ups and downs. 

In a step-by-step approach I examined my own approach to ‘getting back up’.

 In my own life one of the important realizations was that balance is possible and it was mine if I wanted it. What followed was a fair amount of self-reflection, openness, and honesty with myself. Setting aside time to explore my definition of balance, by questioning what was missing and what I was already doing successfully, was time well spent. Since then, I have a good grasp on the various elements of day-to-day life. For me personally knowing my heart and mind are working together is what keeps me balanced. The sense of calm, of being grounded and clearheaded, motivates me to keep my life in balance.

Choosing to create balance will reflect in these six areas of your life:

• Physical
• Mental
• Emotional
• Social
• Financial
• Spiritual
  
  

Each one is important and will require consideration, attention, maintenance, or upgrading throughout your life. Not necessarily at the same time, or in equal amounts; nevertheless, all deserve attention. It would be impossible and unrealistic to believe that each can have a “full service” all of the time. So, choose the area that is being neglected the most at that time and focus on sorting it out. If you choose to socialize more but are not getting enough sleep, you might have chosen the wrong area to nurture. Choose your priorities carefully. All elements are interrelated; balance will be present when all six are respected.

Most of us spend a large part of the day working. Making sure the remaining hours offer some form of nurturing and reenergizing is vital. There is a difference for single people versus married, with or without children, whether you travel, live internationally and interculturally. Choose the area most in need of attention and nurturing.

In the quest for fitness and health there has been a focus on exercise as a key factor - we all know that. And recommendations are normally about increasing heart rates over long periods of time or possible also shorter more intensive sessions. These have also been shown to improve cognitive function - making your brain more effective.

However, the route to greater health may be easier - or more specifically of enhanced brain function. The effects of light activity in the focus on more intensive and extensive exercise has been largely underestimated - and is considered by some to be a key factor in public health. Our engagement in light activity has over the decades decreased significantly - see my previous article here.
Become a free or paid subscriber.


In this research just out Ryuta Kuwamizu and colleagues of the University of Tsukuba in Japan conducted a simple but effective experiment. In this participants did 10 mins of easy exercise - in this case light pedalling while seated. During this they measured pupil dilation because this is also related to brain function specifically executive function. Executive function refers to harder cognitive tasks such as decision making, short-term, memory, calculation, and analysis - basically what many consider the heavy lifting of the brain in our daily lives.

Yes, and indeed just this short light exercise intervention increased delation of the pupil and this was directly related to improved executive functions which was determined though scanning the frontal part of the brain where our executive functions reside with a technique called near infrared spectroscopy.
This therefore points to, as I have mentioned in other places, the significant benefits of short bouts of light exercise on improved brain function - something of particular interest to businesses no doubt. I have long since promoted the idea of regular short walking breaks - this shows again why. For a review of the benefits of walking see this article here).

Not that it has to be at work - a walk or light exercise will improve your brain function - and that is good for all of us, all the time.

by ANDY HAYMAKER
Photo credit: Pexels

​
Reference:
Ryuta Kuwamizu, Yudai Yamazaki, Naoki Aoike, Taichi Hiraga, Toshiaki Hata, Michael A. Yassa, Hideaki Soya.
Pupil dynamics during very light exercise predict benefits to prefrontal cognition
NeuroImage, Volume 277, 2023.
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuroimage.2023.120244 

Even the most enlightened of us can’t always stop ourselves from worrying about the future and asking ourselves “what if?” Underneath our connection to our Higher Self that we work so hard for, lurks the fear of future problems just waiting for an opening to ask us “what if?”

You know how it is…trouble is brewing at your job, layoffs could be coming. What if you lost your job? There have been a rash of pedestrian traffic accidents lately. What if your child is hit by a car? Your mother’s routine check-up turns into several follow-up appointments. What if she is sick? And on and on.
​
Before we know it, our Chatterboxes have taken over. We are filled with fears about the future and the “what if” questions drag us down to our Lower Self. Many of us “what if” ourselves into a perpetual state of worry.
“What if” questions come from our Lower Self, our inner chatterbox that wants us to live in perpetual fear. Susan wrote in Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, “When the ‘what ifs’ are out in full force, the internal Chatterbox is at it again. You look at the unknown and try to predict the future; you try to take control of outside forces. Both are impossible. At this point you might notice you are driving yourself crazy.”

Thoughts about change usually only occur when life no longer offers you the feeling of being satisfied. They can also emerge when things are basically alright but there is room for improvement. The difficulty frequently lies in finding out specifically what you can improve, what you should move on from, what you should let go of.

Change is not easy or simple. It can only really take place if you are ready to take action. Research shows 90% of the strategies designed for change assume people are ready to take action. In reality only 20% of the people already involved in some process of change are actually ready to take action. This helps explain why so many attempts to keep New Year’s resolutions, lose weight, change behaviour patterns, etc. are doomed to fail. If you have been told you should change, but are not really convinced this is true, you are more likely to fail at completing the process.

It is most helpful and supportive and will increase your chances of successfully completing change if you 

The first and most important step is to realize and truly acknowledge that unless you take care of yourself nobody else can or will. When I say, “truly acknowledge”, I mean that you have accepted the following:

• There is always another choice; to do, or not to do / to say, or not to say!
• You are comfortable – saying “no” when necessary, knowing a “yes” does not serve you / is going to take something from you; time, energy, emotional stability.
• You recognize when you have allowed yourself to slip into “victim mode”, have stayed there too long, and are ready to take your power back.
• You know how to make, create, or find the time for yourself, and on the occasions when there simply is no time … you know to do a couple of minutes of deep breathing!

 
These are a few examples, expressed in simple terms: You have taken charge of your life, know your Values and maintain your Personal Power. You can live your life … it does not have to be living you!

As an independent adult you have become the “director” of your life. If you are feeling stressed, one of the simplest yet most effective ways to reduce the tension is to spend some time doing something that involves your senses. Look out of the window, take a walk, listen to music, sing, do something creative, draw, bake, cook, garden, pot a plant, take a bath and light some candles, buy some flowers, look at nature, or revisit a long forgotten hobby – to name just a few options. Taking a few breaths does not take a long time, but does 'break the energy of the stressful / challenging moment. Once the energy is broken you can think more clearly to deal with the issue. 

Whenever possible take a break from technology, even if only for one hour. If that is not possible, try 10 minutes during which you turn off your computer, your phone, TV, etc. If you cannot go outside, then look out of the window at the sky. Regardless of the weather, the sky can be inspiring and energizing.
 
Here are some helpful suggestions to ask yourself:

1. Think about what exactly it is you are doing when you feel happy, fulfilled, at peace, nurtured.
2. If you cannot come up with an answer … think back to a day or event that you enjoyed, that made you feel good.
3. Use your imagination and senses to remember what that felt like.
4. What can you draw from that feeling now? Might you be able to do it again? For example, were you outside, talking with a friend, eating something wonderful, sitting still, appreciating a view…? If it were not possible to do any of those things right now, what is possible right now that would be good for you?
5. Can you take a walk, soak in the bath, listen to some music, talk to a friend, observe nature, do something creative or anything you do not normally do or have time for?
6. Even 5 minutes will make a difference. You do not need to have all day to be kind to yourself.
7. Do one thing a day … however small.

by Suzie Doscher, Professional Executive Coach focusing on Self-Development, Self-help Author since 2014.
3 Editions (2014, 2018, 2022) of BALANCE - A Practical Handbook for Life's Difficult Moments.

​Photo credit: Pexels

“Challenges in life either do or do not have solutions.
If there is a solution somewhere,
then there is no need to be overwhelmed by the challenge.
If there genuinely is no solution,
then there is no point being overwhelmed by it”.
​
Unknown

If you genuinely believe there is a solution to every problem there is a greater likelihood that you will find the solution. Personally, I believe the approach “where there is a will, there is a way.” I do not always find the way as soon as I had hoped for – which can sometimes be due to a lack of motivation. I then remind myself that I know nothing stays the same and therefore have nothing to fear.
Things will change even if I do nothing.
Obviously, I might not get the outcome I had hoped for but then again if I chose not to get myself motivated then that was my choice!
When I find myself lacking motivation I either find someone to talk to or brainstorm with me, or I take any time pressure off myself and see what comes up on its own.

Sometimes it is not the right time to deal with an issue, solve a work related problem, make a change or whatever the challenge is you might be facing. This does not mean you have given up on finding the solution. To me this means I am not in the right frame of mind, nor am I in a strong emotional place or have enough time, to focus on resolving whatever requires attention.

Really believing that you can find a solution to a problem gives you an advantage. This advantage is strength and personal power. You are more likely to overcome nearly all, if not all, the problems you are faced with. Sometimes the best solution is to walk away from something.

If an issue overwhelms me I break it down into smaller issues I can cope with.
I remember having to read through a rather large contract one day. The only way I could cope with it was to give myself permission to only have to read five pages in the morning and five pages in the afternoon. So, my solution was to break the reading down into smaller steps.

If you are fully convinced that a solution exists for every problem, then problems no longer feel like problems, instead they become tasks to deal with. I suggest they be regarded as projects that now need project management.
Your thinking makes a world of difference to what you achieve.

(an excerpt from the 1st edition of Balance - A Practical Handbook for Life's Difficult Moments.

​by Suzie Doscher, Professional Executive Coach since 2006, Self-help Author since 2014. 
​Photocredit: Pixaby/Pexels

First of all I wish you Happy Holidays and a productive start to the  new year.

I am a big believer that moving forward means improving the existing quality of your life. Of course reaching goals and increasing your performance it important.
How you feel while you are doing this is what I believe makes up for quality of life.
You can be reaching goals and increasing your performance by pushing through, being competitive while running on an empty battery. At some point your body and emotional self will not be able to keep up.

To increase your quality of life I suggest doing things differently or adding something entirely new to your routine.
Maybe this is changing your location or job, or even friends, these are big changes. How about starting with
 getting rid of some behaviour patterns that no longer serve you? Replace them with behaviour patterns that do serve you.

I love personal growth & development. My personal as well as professional experience can vouch for that each step taken, even small steps, result in change. Imagine climbing up a ladder. With each step your view changes and brings a new perspective.
 
 Make the kind of changes that stick!
 
Life changes all the time, sometimes daily. During your lifetime you never stop growing, developing and learning, which of course means changing. If you resist this, you run the risk of staying stuck.
 
Here is how you start:

Available in the Amazon Store of your country. In Paperback, on Kindle
​or as an Audiobook narrated by the author. (Audible or iTunes)

In order to stay calm and grounded it requires certain behaviors that feed being calm and grounded.

Each person will have their own requirements to feel calm and grounded.
What actions you need to take will most likely differ from someone else’s. 
Just as each person has their own interpretation of success, the same goes for feeling calm and grounded. Listen to yourself to know what is best for you.

Based on my own personal experience this also changes depending on our age:
I know when I was 30, my focus was very different to 40.

• At 30 I was focused on creating my family and being a wife and mother.
• At 40 I was involved with my children’s education and day to day life, I was not thinking of my goals. I did not really have any beyond my children’s wellbeing and development.
• At 50 I noticed that I had to get to know myself much better and feeling at peace and fulfilled became my goal. I found my purpose late but am thrilled it involves supporting others to grow.
• Turning 60 was fabulous as I had completely grown into my skin by then and was more than happy to focus on my core values and needs and knew exactly what grounds me and offers me that wonderful sense of calm.
• Approaching 70 my new goal is answering the question ‘how do I want this next chapter of my life to look and feel.

I have no complaints or regrets and admire the younger people I work with on their personal development while achieving and striving for their goals. I was never like that but love how my life was and is moving forward.  Each person will know what is right for them. Follow your heart and remember that 'you cannot take anything with you'. No matter what you achieve and how much you earn, how you feel is as important along the way. 


By Suzie Doscher, Executive Coach focusing on Personal Development, Self-help author since 2014. 

Photo credit: Pexels​