How to Respond to a Verbal Attack

by Suzie Doscher

Somebody launches a verbal attack on you and you have no idea what triggered it. 
It is not always so easy to recognize, let alone acknowledge that you have been verbally abused. A verbal attack is aggressive language and delivered in a manner that it feels like an attack. Sometimes it is not even the words chosen that make it an attack, but the tone alone that can be abusive. Should the person raise the volume of his or her voice, it becomes slightly more obvious that this is indeed a verbal attack. The conflict is verbal rather than physical. Sadly, people tend to mostly talk of physical attacks and ignore just how much verbal abuse there is and how damaging this truly is.
These conflicts can start in many ways including these examples:

• Children and the elderly sometimes use verbally abusive language due to their sheer frustration they are experiencing relating to their own circumstances. It still is abusive language. There is a difference between a bored teenager’s attack and somebody who is letting it out on you.
• Sarcasm is seen as unexpressed anger, or anger disguised as apparent humor. This, too, can be aggressive and verbally abusive. 
• It is important to keep your focus on what you can influence. You are able to influence your response and your emotions around what just happened or is happening.

I keep coming back to the quote: “You cannot change people, but you can change how you react.” Bearing this quote in mind, here are some helpful thoughts:

• Recognize when you are being verbally attacked.
• If possible acknowledge this is actually happening in that moment.
• Verbal attacks might not hurt your body but you do feel them! It is not always possible to acknowledge verbal abuse when it is going on. The abusive language triggers emotions and when they are triggered it is hard to think clearly. 
• If possible, step away. If not, stay quiet, and attempt to remain calm. Take a couple of breaths. The natural tendency is to respond by counterattacking, pleading, or debating, depending on the situation. Try not to do this. In the moment it serves very little purpose other than to either further aggravate the person or let him or her feel he or she has won by getting you to react.
• If you are lucky enough and can step away, give yourself time to get a clear picture of what just happened. Gaining some clarity through reflecting on the situation will help you in the future should this happen again.

To help distance yourself from people who behave in this manner or to have a better understanding of what is behind it, consider these thoughts:

• Accept that everyone has their own reality. Who knows what has happened to them in their day or life so far?
• Ask yourself, what reason, if any, there is to this attack. What is the attacker trying to accomplish? (Dump their frustration or anger, which might not even be related to you?)
• If it is not about you, accept the fact there is no need to take this behavior personally.
• Ask yourself, “If it is not about me personally, then does it need to affect me?”
•  If you think this is about you, then ask yourself what reasons they might have for saying this. Is this the first time this has happened? What part of this might be justified? Do not excuse the behavior but simply attempt to see both sides.
• While the verbal abuse is going on, the ideal scenario would be to try and let it bounce off you. Easier said than done! Try your best not to react and stay silent.
•  Depending on how strong you are, see if you can let them air their feelings without feeling affected.

More often than not, verbal abuse is a form of venting on the part of the attacker and has little to do with the person they are attacking. 
Remember: their attack does not reflect negatively on who you are, rather on who they are.
It is good to take some time to explore your thoughts on this. Think about what you would like to achieve with your response.
Sadly, confrontation seems to be difficult to avoid these days, so be prepared to respond in a manner that allows you to stay true to yourself and let the other person know you will not tolerate it.
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