Thinking Before Acting – How to Change Your Reactive Behaviour

Learning how to respond to a situation rather than just reacting to it brings huge rewards. Needless to say, it is one of those changes of behaviour that is easier said than done. However, it can be achieved.

Responding to something means you will have taken some time to consider the situation and which response best suits you. To be able to “respond” means you are choosing your behaviour based on your values, needs, integrity, and desires. To “react” means you have chosen to allow outside influences dictate your behaviour and this tends to leave you at the mercy of others.

The gifts you present to yourself when you stop the knee-jerk type of reacting are a sense of strength, achievement, power to influence, calmness plus an increase in your self-esteem. The rewards will be felt not only in your private life, but also at work. Time and patience will be necessary and making mistakes during this “reprogramming” time should be expected and allowed.
 
Different kinds of “reactions”:

• The damage that can result from spontaneous reactions sometimes cannot be undone, e.g., in situations where a good first impression is crucial. During a job interview, an overreaction or reacting without consideration can result in not getting called back for a second interview.
• There are also reactions that fall under the heading of “the best defence is a good offense”. If you get triggered, you might react defensively. The outcome of an offensive reaction is rarely what you would like it to be.
• Some people create situations in which they can react – the bigger, louder, and more dramatically the better. These are people who thrive on chaos. This kind of dramatic reaction allows them to control the situation. In this case, it is best to walk away.
• n emergency or a life and death situation, your instinctive reactions serve you well. These are not the reactions I am referring to here.

 
Everybody has certain relationships or situations that bring out the worst reactions or overreactions. Being busy and stressed can magnify a reaction. In contrast, when you are relaxed, you are better able to take time to assess the options and possible responses to achieve your desired result. Many reactions come from your upbringing, experiences, assumptions, and beliefs that are limiting. One of the responsibilities of being an adult is to recognize that you have the power to change. Introspection, personal growth, and personal development work will help give you a better understanding of where triggers might come from and specifically what might set them off. It is possible, with the support and encouragement of a coach or other professional, to de-condition yourself from habitual reactions to people and situations. “Debugging and reprogramming our software” is a wonderful gift to yourself.
 
Eight tips to help you learn how to stop reacting and start responding:

1. Commit yourself to making this change in your behaviour. Accept that it will take time and require some patience.
2. Start noticing the things that you react to. This could include engaging in a certain type of conversation, being with a particular person, or being ignored or interrupted.
3. Get to know what specifically triggers a reaction in you. What is it about the tone of voice, the chosen words, the message, or body language that pushes that button in you?
4. Once you have familiarized yourself with the triggers, imagine how it would be or look if you dealt with them in a different manner than usual.
5. Now think about what the possible options are in the moment when your trigger goes off. How can you buy yourself some time to avoid reacting? Is it possible to leave the room, ask the person to call you back later, take some deep breaths, find the self-respect to say, “I will get back to you on that?”
6. Imagine a situation in the future when you respond without immediately reacting. How would you feel? Who would you be?
7. Get to know this feeling. It will encourage and motivate you.
   

Adapt these suggestions to your situation to figure out what you can do. Think 'project management'.

By Suzie Doscher,  Executive Coach focusing on Personal Development.
an excerpt from Balance - A Practical Handbook for Life's Difficult Moments (2014 edition) by Suzie Doscher
Photo credit: Unsplash