3 Article by Suzie Doscher, Executive Coach focusing on Personal Development, regarding CHOICE

Key thoughts on how to face difficult decisions

When faced with a difficult decision it is important to know that you always have choices. It is hard to realize there is more than one solution to any given problem. One important life skill to learn is how to find those choices when faced with a difficult decision. With this skill, life becomes easier to keep in balance. More balance means less stress.
 
Think of a situation you are facing and see if any of the comments below can be applied:
 
1.   Think in terms of either do or do not. A choice available already!
2.   The same goes for expressing yourself: “I choose to say something or I choose to say nothing”. Also, for your emotional reactions: “I choose to take offence in this situation or I choose not to react as though this were personal”. “I choose to say ‘no’ when setting a boundary.”
3.   You always have the option to leave things as they are and do nothing.
4.   Doing “nothing” means you have made the choice “not to take action”. Non-action is still a choice.
5.   If you choose to act, then accept it is you who has taken the choice to “do something”.
6.   Either way there is always at least one choice.
7.   Think of a few scenarios to help you appreciate this is true (to have a cup of tea or not, to say something or not, to buy something or not, to leave a situation or not, to leave the relationship/location/job or not).
8.   When you are feeling like you have reached a dead end, ask yourself “what happens if I do nothing?” or,
9.   “What happens if I do something?”, then proceed to work out what the choice is.
10.   Either way always take responsibility for whatever choice you make.
11.   You might not always like the consequences of your choice, so think carefully before you take action. Try to be true to yourself and honour your values. Do what is right for you, not what you think you should do to please others. Follow your intuition whenever possible. It is there to guide us in the right direction, however frequently we ignore its advice.
12.   Accept that having a choice is true for absolutely everything. When it comes to things/people/situations we cannot change we still have a choice as to how we react!
 
Personal growth and development go on throughout your life. The life skills you acquire along the way improve the quality of your day-to-day life. With each new life skill you will handle situations that you previously might have struggled with more quickly and with greater ease and confidence. The more practice you have using your life skills, the more part of you they become. With time you might begin to forget that they were acquired skills!





How to accept someone’s choice even though you do not understand it

Someone makes a choice you simply do not understand. The consequences may or may not touch your life, involve you, affect you and so on. One way or another you cannot see what they are basing their decision on. This is the part that makes accepting their choice so difficult. I am going to break this down into two parts.
 
Part One: Understanding
Take the view that:
 
•     Everybody has the right to see life through his or her own eyes, the right to their own reality.
•     Their reality will be based on experiences they have had so far in their life.
•     These experiences will have formed their beliefs, values, goals, point of view, etc.
•     Accepting and thereby respecting their choice means you are not judging them.
•     Ask yourself: “What gives you the right to judge someone?” or “What gives you the right to believe you know what is right for him or her?” If you think about this, it is quite presumptuous.
•     Hopefully at this point you can interrupt your desire to explain their choice to yourself.
 
Part Two: Acceptance
 
•     To truly accept means not to have any conditions attached to this acceptance. As mentioned before, each person has a right to their own reality to see life through his or her own eyes.
•     These lyrics come to mind: “If You Love Someone, Set Them Free”. Accept them and let them go.
•     Letting go of any conditions attached to your acceptance is how you set them free. A few examples of “conditions” are: what you believe is right, what you think about how life should be – basically any “condition” that involves a judgement by you.
•     To further help with your acceptance ask yourself: “What will I lose if they do something I do not understand?”
•     Finding the open-heartedness to look beyond yourself – this is setting someone free. Let them be who they are, follow their own path, be true to their own values. You will be surprised how good you will feel.
 
Love them for who, how, and what they are. By doing this you are respecting their choices. Helping yourself reach the place of being able to respect their choices is also setting yourself free and gaining/holding on to your Personal Power.





Helpful suggestions when communicating with “control freaks” also known as Micro-Managers

In the Oxford Dictionary, the definition of a “control freak” is “a person who feels an obsessive need to exercise control over themselves and others and to take command of any situation”. The Merriam Webster dictionary says that a control freak is “a person whose behaviour indicates a powerful need to control people or circumstances in everyday matters”.

This personality trait could stem from a chaotic childhood, alcoholic parents, abusive behaviour, or early abandonment. Such experiences can make it hard for people to trust, or relinquish control to, others. The fear of falling apart pushes them to control what they can. As their emotions are all over the place, they feel loss of control. For this reason control freaks will micromanage whatever they can with the belief that this makes them strong. People who feel out of control tend to become controllers.
I imagine each and every one of us is a control freak, or takes on the behaviour of such, at some point or another. The fear of failure is what makes it so important to control everything when you do not trust anybody else to do a good job.

One difficult aspect of being around a control freak is accepting that they do not understand how their behaviour and choice of words affect the people around them. Another difficult aspect is not to take it personally. This behaviour comes from deep inside and the person is actually quite unaware of being a control freak.

The attempts to control a situation or environment are intended to offer the controller a feeling of safety. This is a sign of low self-esteem.

One of the areas they often manipulate is conversation. A control freak is most comfortable if he or she decides what is talked about, for how long, and how deep or detailed a topic can be. This manipulation is achieved by constant interruption, finishing the sentence for the person, not listening with attention, doing distracting things like getting up and walking around, or even walking out of the room saying, “I am still listening”. A control freak does not consider him or herself as controlling, but is convinced his or her way is the right way. He or she will have an opinion about almost everything and will disagree with most suggestions that he or she does not instigate.
 
Controllers also control themselves; you might observe obsessive habits in them –whether in a private relationship or at work helpful tips to consider:
 
•     If someone dominates conversations, allow them to finish. Then, in a calm manner tell them, “I understand what you are saying and now I would like to express my thoughts”.
•     If someone continually gives you their advice by telling you exactly what you should be doing, again, in a calm manner, tell them, “I value your advice, but I wish to consider my own thoughts on this matter as well”.
•     Your goal for establishing a healthier communication pattern with a control freak is to eventually “agree to disagree”. Be as consistent as possible with the style in which you communicate. It will require patience and time, but can result in turning the negative communication pattern into one that is more acceptable to you.
•     Express yourself assertively without giving the person the feeling you are telling them what to do. Never try to control a controller.
•     Remain calm and be consistent with controllers. Getting angry does not achieve anything. Control freaks have no problem with arguments. In fact, they seek power struggles. Remember, in their minds the world should feel, think and do what they deem is right.
•     Remember a control freak always looks for a power struggle. You can buy yourself some time by taking a couple of deep breaths after excusing yourself for a minute. If you can leave the situation for longer, take a walk around the block to clear your head. Accept that you are dealing with a control freak.
•     Remember that you can walk out of the room into a better space; they, however, are left with their issues possibly for the rest of their life, unless they seek support.
•     A control freak has the ability to bring you down a couple of notches and take the wind out of your sails. They like to make people feel insecure about themselves. You may want to distance yourself. Start to distance yourself slowly.
•     The benefits of establishing a manner of communication where you do not allow them to rob you of your energy or drown you with their negativity will be a stronger, more assertive, empowering you.
 
In summary, here are 8 helpful steps for what to do in the moment:
 
1.   Acknowledge to yourself that you are in conversation with a control freak.
2.   If necessary, buy yourself some time to clarify your thoughts. Do some deep breathing to clear your head and calm your emotions.
3.   Accept that you are not going to be able to change how the person behaves or who he or she is. Maintain the focus on your reactions and communication style.
4.   Forgive the person for his or her behaviour by understanding what makes him or her behave this way.
5.   In conversations, listen without interrupting. Be calm and patient.
6.   Express your own opinion/thoughts. Be assertive, but not aggressive.
7.   Once the conversation is over, do something that will nourish you. This might be as simple as taking in a couple of deep breaths and exhaling the negative energy the control freak brings along.
8.   Accept that you handled the situation as best as can be expected and that it will take time and practice.
 
Being in the company of control freaks can feel like being with “Energy Vampires”. Their ability to endlessly bring the attention back on to themselves is draining and exhausting. Knowing what to expect can help you choose how to interact and take care of yourself at the same time.

by Suzie Doscher, Executive Coach focusing on Personal Development, Zurich, Switzerland

For clarity on how this could apply to your situation book a one off session to discuss it with Suzie Doscher, Executive Coach focusing on Personal Development, Experienced, International, Professional Coach since 2006, Self-Help Author since 2014.