by Suzie Doscher
One of the main motivators not to settle for less is' life is too short'. Time seems to be flying by faster and faster, all the more reason to make sure you are enjoying it. Equally make sure your life offers you a sense of fulfillment. Settling for less is something everybody does at some point or another but it is best not to make it a lifestyle!
Find out what you want - from having experienced what you do not want!
Settling for less means you made the choice to limit yourself and your potential. This could be seen as a waste of time however if you learn from it, your time was not wasted. You can figure out what to do differently.
Say you accepted a job offer mainly based on financial fears, but you knew deep down inside, you were compromising yourself. You had enough financial security to ride it out a bit longer but not the courage to hold out for 'the right' one. It is difficult let a job offer go when you feel there is no other in sight. Fears have a lot of power over our decisions. If on some deeper level you knew this job was not really the right one - you might find you are living with the feeling of having undervalued yourself. Long term your heart and soul will let you know they do not appreciate the compromise!
Spiritually Thinking – The Bigger Picture!
To quote one of my favourite 'teachers', Caroline Myss: "Spiritually thinking; everything happens for a reason. We are able to learn from everything that happens to us. Both positive and negative occurrences are here to teach us something. If our path is to be true to ourselves and we live 'our' life, based on our values and our truths then everything that happens is happening to eventually lead us to our true life. There are no coincidences, again positive or negative. We can learn something from every thing."
Everybody knows the feeling of settling for less, at one time or another most people have experienced:
Staying in the Rut
Sometimes it is just easier to stay in a rut than find the courage to change something. It can be easier to settle, than step out of your comfort zone.
Settling for relationships that do not make you happy can often be the result of not wanting to be alone, or any other type of fear that keeps you stuck.
If you suffer low Self Esteem finding ways to increase it, be this with self help literature, therapist or a life coach will lead you to better decision making - decisions based on what you want, not what the more ‘insecure self’ wants!
Reasons not to compromise yourself
Settling for less, knowing deep down inside that you are making a comprise makes life difficult. Difficult, because being in the wrong job, wrong relationship, and wrong anything does not make for a 'flowing' day-to-day life.
Believe it or not, consciously or unconsciously, this leads you to self-sabotaging your own choice.
When something is right for you frequently synchronicity sets in - good things appear out of nowhere. Often being in the wrong place with the wrong people makes obstacles surface. However these obstacles are opportunities to learn.
Follow the path of successful people who have, or have found the courage, to take risks (emotional or otherwise). You will witness that they value themselves enough to stay on the path to their ultimate goal.
"It is better to want what you do not have, than to have what you do not want"
by Suzie Doscher
Just as life is constantly changing, the brain is constantly changing. It is through repetition that thinking patterns, and consequently behaviour patterns can be shifted, tweaked, changed or completely replaced with more positive empowering ones.
Through practice and repetition neuroscience has shown the brain can be rewired
This is fantastic news especially for anybody wishing to improve the quality of their life for this change process. Making, and more importantly sustaining, any changes in thinking or in behaviour patterns, would be very difficult, if not impossible, without this scientific truth. Knowing this offers coaching clients not only motivation but also confidence to continue on the path to 'change', which sometimes can be a difficult one.
Over the last few decades, studies in neuroscience have shown the 'default network' you were born with can be changed. This happens by creating new neural pathways. The 'default network' ensures your survival by detecting and responding to threats, such as a tiger about to eat you! The 'default network' generates a 'fight or flight' response to increase the odds of survival. However it can become hypersensitive, interfering with your ability to experience the present moment in a more open and relaxed manner. The production of neurochemical and molecular changes in the cells known as neurons is how the changes in the brain occur. While going through the process of learning how to think / do or behave differently new neurons are being produced. Neurons are messengers communicating by transmitting electrical signals.
Creating new neural networks requires actions
Thoughts generate a chemical reaction in the brain. The same chemical reaction takes place every time you think the same thought - be it a negative one or a positive one. A person has trillions of brain cells, resulting in thousands of these chemical reactions. In order to successfully make a change in a thought pattern, and ultimately a behaviour pattern, you have to activate as many of these pathways as possible given that they work synergistically. One pathway alone is not enough to successfully rewire your brain.
Repetitive positive thoughts change your physical brain
The goal of coaching is to align your beliefs, feelings, vision, and actions with who you are and your goals. Time has to be allowed for practice and repetition to successfully re-frame / replace a negative thought with a positive empowering one. Just like exercise, this requires repetition to reinforce new learning. Thoughts and feelings have to align. In other words, you will not succeed to create new pathways by eating lots of sweets while telling yourself you are fit and healthy.
What this means for coaching
If you are of the mindset that working with a coach is the way to go person this already shows potential for improvement. Successful coaching creates a healthy brain environment promoting positive thought and positive activity.
Once the goal of the coaching is, not only defined and clear, but also realistic the coach will use a variety of tools to activate the client's internal resources and life skills. Within this phase, the rewiring can already begin. Bad thought patterns and habits are explored, examined and re-framed/replaced. Making sure the goal has a realistic time frame will support the feeling of success. Feeling success supports creating positive feedback to the brain, this motivates you to keep going. The more changes made, the more the brain is rewired, by having formed new neural pathways.
It is exciting to be on the path of change with clients. I compare it to helping them heal ‘wings that have been clipped.’ With coaching they learn to fly freely again.
The answer to that question is: to you. You are choosing yourself as the priority - that is the bottom line of learning how to say “no”.
It can happen without you even noticing that your life no longer feels as though it is your own. Overwhelming work demands, busy family schedules, even modern technology seem to add stress by making us accessible all the time. Everything else becomes a priority, while you and your own personal life, values, beliefs, thoughts, wishes, and dreams come in second place, if not third. Your attention ends up being stretched in too many directions with no time left to think about yourself. The result is stress leading to more stress and hopefully not a burnout. I like to think of the much bigger picture of life when it comes to the understanding, motivation and learning of how to respect yourself in the first instance.
By no stretch of the imagination does this mean you will be disrespecting others and/or their wishes or job demands. It means you respect yourself and hold yourself in equal position to others. If you are thoughtful, openhearted and conscientious about how you treat people and your job, then surely you can only really give it your best if you are in
These are the most common reasons people say “yes” when in fact “no” might serve better:
Which ones apply in your case?
Ask the following questions to motivate yourself:
Which facets of your life feel the most neglected due to the consequences of saying “yes” too often?
For example, saying “no” to an offer to go out because what you really need is time at home for yourself. By saying “no”, you are giving yourself that time.
by Suzie Doscher from BALANCE - Interactive Workbook for Self-Coaching
By Martin / Cleverism
There are several measures that have been proven to improve one’s Emotional Quotient once adhered to. These measures are:
Reduction of Negative Emotions
This is perhaps the most important aspect of EQ. This is because it is paramount that one be in control of their emotions in order to ensure that they do not affect their judgment. In order for an individual to be in a position to change how they feel about a certain situation, they must first be able to change how they think about it.
Reduction of negative emotions begins with the Reduction of Negative Embodiments. This refers to situations where one feels adversely towards another person or their actions. In such a situation, it is important to avoid negative conclusions in your mind as much as possible. Rather, practice the art of viewing a situation through multiple dimensions prior to reacting to it.
For example, it may be tempting to conclude that a certain colleague failed to return my phone call because they are ignoring me but it would be better to conclude that they are caught up and they will phone back whenever they can. When one avoids taking other people’s actions personally, they are able to look at those actions from an objective point of view. Note that people’s actions are inspired by their own selves more than they are by us; this perception widens your perspective and reduces the possibility and occurrence of misunderstandings.
Additionally, Reducing Fear of Rejection drives away negative emotions and boosts your EQ. One sure way to reduce fear of rejection is by availing multiple options for yourself in crucial situations. This is to ensure that no matter what the outcome may be, there are equally strong options at your disposal. This will eliminate any negative emotions such as anxiety or depression.
For example, if you are applying for a dream job, apply in numerous different organizations; therefore, if one does not work out, the other options may still be open to you, hence relieving you of a lot of angst.
Staying Calm and Managing StressWe all experience stress, be it at different levels. How you handle stressful scenarios is what determines whether you are an assertive or a reactive person; a poised or an unstable person. When under any kind of pressure, your most important asset is your ability to keep a level head.
EQ is the ability to stay calm while handling extremely stressful situations. There are various practices that can be employed to keep yourself calm, for example, avoiding caffeinated beverages that may heighten your nervousness; instead, maintaining a cool temperature around yourself may be far more effective in reducing one’s anxiety or nervousness.
In addition, exercise is a great stress reliever and helps reduce your physical tension, energizes you, keeps you collected, and enables you to deal with stressful situations in the calmest way possible; thereby boosting your EQ in the process.
Remaining Assertive and Expressing Difficult Emotions
As much as it is good to get along with the people we interact with, to develop healthy emotional quotient, you also need to be assertive and expressive and be able to set appropriate boundaries in order for people to understand where you stand in when you encounter one another.
This entails exercising your right to disagree without necessarily being disagreeable, or being able to say ‘no’ where appropriate without having to feel guilty. Boosting EQ demands that one set their own priorities and protecting oneself from any forms of duress or harm.
As an additional pointer; when being assertive, it is important to avoid framing statements in such a way that they come off as accusations or judgments because they automatically put the recipient on the defensive, which may result in an unnecessary altercation.
Each individual, no matter how socially inept, has at least one person that they have given they trust and who almost understands them as intimately as they understand themselves.
In scenarios that are stressful, and in situations where you feel overwhelmed by the pressure, it helps to reach out to that individual and ask for a perspective beyond your own; an objective perspective.
This activity will eventually train you to handle situations in an objective manner, hence boosting your emotional quotient even without your awareness.
Constantly trying to handle stressful situations on your own is not independence, it is limiting. It leads to a situation where you are never open to other approaches but your own; therefore, hampering any form of growth in your EQ. Often, all it takes is an external opinion to work through a scenario that is ongoing in your mind.
Bouncing Back from Adversity
Understand that life is not necessarily easy; at least not all the time, and how we choose to feel or act in response to life’s challenges can makes all the difference between optimism and frustration; hope and despair; victory and defeat. It is important that you look at every situation, especially the negative ones, as a learning experience. Ask yourself, “How can I do better?” “What have I Learnt?” In the immortal words of Thomas Edison, “I have not failed; I have found ten thousand ways that do not work.” Thomas A. Edison went on to invent the light bulb. Adopting this perception on life is one of the strongest ways to boost your EQ and go on to live a successful and fulfilling life.
Develop a Genuine Interest in the People around You
Another way to boost your emotional quotient is by learning to develop a genuine and keen interest in the people and the world around you.
For example, in a work environment you should not only strive to learn the names of everyone you interact with but reach out to them and strive to learn as much as possible about them. It is proven that there is a satisfaction or fulfillment that human beings draw from establishing meaningful connectionsand relationships with others.
Showing genuinely friendly interest in the lives of colleagues or associates is not only advantageous to you but to them too. When you reach out to people, they feel valued as human beings and not mere cogs in a machine.
The kind of fulfillment drawn from making such a connection or relationship, therefore, is experienced by two parties and can act as a stress reliever, drive away any feelings of anxiousness or depression, improve productivity, and ultimately boost EQ levels.
IN A NUTSHELL
Our ability to use reasonably soft skills and approaches in situations boosts our Emotional Quotient (EQ). In turn, this boost in EQ enables us to handle future situations in a better, healthier, and mature manner. EQ is a sense of internal balance that enables you to keep your composure, make the right decisions, and communicate successfully even when under stress. EQ is a major determinant of the quality of the life that you live as well as your likelihood for success in both your career and personal life. For this reason, it is imperative that you understand emotional quotient intimately as well as the various ways in which we can boost it constantly.
Emotional Quotient can be said to be the best predictor of performance in any workplace situation, the determinant of effective leadership, and individual excellence. When our EQ is effectively increased and applied, we realize our ability to cultivate more solid relationships both personally and in the business arena. Relationships, and more specifically their quality, are a colossal determinant of the success of any endeavor we delve in and the reality is; relationships cannot be avoided, there is no way around them. In order to ensure that we have the highest quality relationships and, therefore, the best shot at all-round success we need to constantly boost our Emotional Quotient.
Image credit: Wikimedia Commons | Gert Germeraad under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license.
by Art Markman as seen on Fast Company
Most creative people have two things in common:
Think about what happens if you spend a year living in another country.
Chances are, the people speak a different language, so you have to recognize that even the way people communicate in that country differs from where you are from. Their rituals and routines are different. The way they interact socially differs.
When you dive into a second culture, two interesting things happen.
It helps you understand that there are many different ways to achieve a goal, and there are many different goals that people may find are worth achieving.
The key aspect of learning to adapt to a new culture is not that you have to decide which approach is better. Rather, you recognize that everything in the world can be looked at in many different ways.
Galinsky and his colleagues demonstrate that people who have spent time adapting to more than one culture are better able to generate new ideas both in laboratory studies and in corporate settings.
What does this mean for you?
By Mark Markman - Fast Company
Work in a multi-national team
A Practical Handbook